You may recall, that I mentioned a shift in my mindset, emotional state, and interactions with my ex-husband a few months into my separation. Prior to that shift, I was holding out hope that we’d reunite, that he’d be kinder, that my life would return to “normal”. Holding on to that hope was torturous because it kept me in an emotionally harmful state. At some point, I finally decided to accept my reality, stop hoping, and move forward. And it made me feel so much lighter. 

I experienced a similar moment during my co-parenting journey. In the beginning, things were hostile and awkward. I dreaded interacting with him. It made me anxious. And that trickled over into our co-parenting. I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions about what happened in my absence or making suggestions about what to do with our daughter.

One day, I realized I’m going to have to collaborate with this man for the next decade and a half (at least!) and see him around for the rest of my life. Do I really want these interactions to be anxious for the next few decades? Do I really want to allow them to have that much control over my thoughts and feelings? Heck. No. 

I want to spend school events, holidays, and special occasions with my daughter free of any negative feelings. I want her to know that both of her parents will be at each of these festivities and that we’ll be there with no drama or baggage. So I made a decision to be friendly. 

Not friends. Just friendly. This meant I’d keep things light and platonic. No rehashing of our past. No prying into his personal life - who he’s dating, what he does when our daughter’s not around, etc. No personal favors or requests. We talk about the weather, mutual friends, our family, but mostly just our daughter. That’s it. If it strays from that, conversation terminated or diverted. It can feel a little like he’s an acquaintance or it’s a business transaction. That can take a little getting used to. But I found that was healthiest for me. 

I’m grateful I was able to take this path. I can’t imagine what my tactic would be if there had been abuse, violence, or any other harmful behavior. Deciding to be friends would not be a viable option. And I’m certainly not recommending it if that was the case for you. But if it isn’t, how do you approach your relationship with your co-parent?