I’ve talked a bit about this at the very beginning of this blog (and my separation) and touched lightly on this in last week’s post. And that is accepting the new norm. I was able to accept that my ex and I would merely be co-parents, and nothing more, for the remainder of our lives. But I hadn’t accounted for the fact that my daughter would need to accept that as well. 

When we first separated, my daughter was too young to fully understand what was happening or how it would affect her. This changed as she got older. She started noticing that many of her classmates had both of their parents in the same home; that both parents often attended the kids’ social events together; and that she had to visit a different home in order to see her father. She never seemed sad or angry about this. Mostly, she seemed curious or confused. Why didn’t her mom and dad live in the same house? If she asked nicely would that change? 

Her having two homes means she doesn’t spend time with both of her parents simultaneously. More literally, it means she has to pick which parent gets to participate in which activity with her. She has one set of clothes, toys, and books at one house, and a completely different set at another. She gets to see some family and friends at one house, and the others at another. It’s almost like she lives two lives. And sometimes, I think she tires of it. 

When she was younger, I turned to books to help depict what her life would look like; to help keep her from feeling like the odd one out. Now that she is older, I can simply talk with her. I explain that her father and I love each other, loved each other enough to make her, and love her more than anything else in the world. I also explain that we don’t need to live in the same house to love and care for her and that (let’s be clear) we will not be living in the same house… ever. 

My ex and I work together to ensure she knows we both love and care for her equally and that each home essentially offers the same things. We assure her that while we live in two separate homes, we’re still one cohesive family with her at the center. We explain that the love some of her friends receive from two parents living in one home is not any better or worse than the love she receives from two parents living in two homes. This seems to work for now. Perhaps, in her next developmental phase, this concern will present itself differently. But for now, she’s content. Thank goodness!