It was one thing to sort of close the chapter of my marriage to create a clean slate for dating. But it’s quite another thing to prepare for dating. No? You don’t think so? Perhaps because I had been married, wanted to be married again, and had a child, I tended to think of dating with more seriousness and permanence than people thought I should. For me, dating was all about finding my next life partner - the person I was going to live with, parent with, grow with, and merge my life with. Then, if we’re being realistic, they’d have to deal with the baggage created by my divorce and co-parenting relationship. It’s a big role to take on and a big choice for me to make. 

And that, my friends, paralyzed me. I can already be a little indecisive. But having to make a life-altering decision like that made me nervous. Especially because in my mind, I’d already messed up this decision once. I had this decision to make in picking my ex-husband, and look how it turned out. Abandoned with a toddler and no job. I ignored any yellow or red flags that provided any early indication that this was something he would do. How on earth was I supposed to pick a new partner? 

What am I supposed to look for that I didn’t look for the first time? What red flags did I think were actually green flags? What boundaries was I unaware of and therefore failed to set in that first marriage? What did it turn out I needed in a relationship that I didn’t get? How am I supposed to express those needs in a healthy manner? How do I need to be loved? What should have been my non-negotiables? These questions and many many more swirled through my mind, especially when I spotted an attractive man. I’d get excited for a second at the prospect of interacting with him, and then immediately question if he’s the “one” and if I’d even know how to spot if he were. 

One therapy session, I mentioned to my therapist, “how am I supposed to date when clearly my picker is off?” She let me go on with that thought and listened patiently. When I was done spiraling and disparaging myself, she responded, “your picker is not off. You just don’t listen to it.” Mind. Blown. We then talked about yellow or red flags I’d noticed in my dating relationship with my ex-husband, and yellow or red flags I’d noticed in men I’d met since him. We carefully went through each one and identified the words and behaviors exhibited by these men that tipped me off to our incompatibility. Then we looked at how I responded to them. Usually, I responded by ignoring it, explaining it away, or forcing the man to have an in-depth and emotional conversation about it (which NEVER works, by the way). We realized my issue was more not knowing how to demand better or not feeling worthy enough to demand better. 

This not feeling worthy is something I’m going to spend the entire month of November talking about. It’s such a deep and complicated feeling that often comes after a divorce. Initially, this not feeling worthy took the shape of shame in not being able to choose a life partner correctly because of the failure of my marriage. But with time and therapy, I was able to more accurately interpret that shame into a lack of confidence in walking away from things and men that don’t serve me. 

Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed because your marriage did not work out. Whether you wanted it to end or not, whether it's good that it ended or not, whether they were your soulmate or not, it has happened. The marriage has ended. We accept it, grieve it, and move forward. Don’t let embarrassment or shame ruin your moving forward. I hope that if you are experiencing these emotions, you’re able to work through what they’re really telling you so you can find contentment. I’m certainly working through it and am here for you while you do :).