We’re talking all about rebuilding our lives after divorce. It’s not a quick or easy task. It takes time, intention, courage, vulnerability, and persistence. But we’re doing it! And we’re doing it because we deserve to live the lives we want, and we recognize that we’re the only ones who can do it for ourselves.

Also, let me take a quick second to fill you in on a little something. When I wrote the first half of my blog, I was often writing about things you were currently going through but that I had already gone through. The benefit to that is I have a complete picture of the situation and am therefore better able to give detail and lend confidence. The disadvantage to that is because I’m somewhat removed from the experience, I’m always a little unsure how much emotion comes through. But with this phase of my life, I’m going through this with you. Everything I say is from research and what I’m currently doing. So, let’s get to it girl.

Our first step in creating our life after divorce was to express gratitude for even getting to this point, thanking ourselves for everything we’ve survived, and reflecting on the journey. Now we’re ready for step two - envisioning our lives.

To create, and ultimately live, the life we want to live, we have to know what that life is - what it looks like, what it feels like, what it includes, and who’s in it. This sounds obvious and easy. The other day at lunch with a friend, she asked me what my vision for my life was. I was a little stumped. I, of course, see snippets of it in my mind every day. But I hadn’t ever said it aloud, and I’d never really thought through it all. I’m going to now though, and you’re coming with me.

Big Picture

A lot of people and platforms will suggest asking ourselves big questions to understand what we want for ourselves. These questions can include:

• What kind of person do you want to be?

• What’s a typical day in your ideal life look like?

• What constantly gnaws at you?

• What experiences make you happy?

• What do you want your legacy to be?

• What do you want to achieve?

• What is my “why?”

• What are my values?

• What do I want people to say about me at my funeral?

• What would I do if I wasn’t afraid of anything?

• Are the people in my life impacting me positively?

• Am I living a lifestyle that promotes physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing?

These are great questions, truly. But they’re also overwhelming ones. I mean how many people are walking around with ready-made answers to them? I think they’re a good way to look at the big picture. They make good starting and ending points.

With some therapy, coaching, journaling, and/or prayer, we can explore answers to these questions. We can evaluate what components of our existing lives are working for us and which need a change. We can evaluate what we like and don’t like, what we want and don’t want. And as we do this, we’ll get two things from this. The first is how our life currently feels and how we want it to feel. For me, this is big. I’m an empath, so I’m all about the feel of things. How our life feels and how we want it to feel is what will guide us through this journey. So hold on to it!

The second thing is how much work we have to do. If your life feels primarily how you want it to, then you only have a little work to do. If your life doesn’t feel at all how you want it to, then you’ll have a lot of work to do. There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s completely up to you. Personally, I have a lot of work to do. And that’s okay. I’m actually really excited about it.

The Details

Once we know the feel of our new life, we can start to more closely envision what will achieve that feel. This is done by breaking the vision down into categories (similar to how we make goals). These categories include:

• Career

• Health

• Finances

• Romantic Relationships

• Family and Friends

• Home and Environment

• Fun and Recreation

And yep. We’re going to go through each one. So get your pen, paper, tablet, desktop, and let’s do some envisioning! Or, if you’d rather, I have this handy dandy Canva template you can use.

Career

If you’re one of those fortunate people who are already in the professional role or on the career path you always envisioned for yourself, then congratulations! You can skip to the next category. But, if you’re not one of those people (as I raise my hand aggressively), then we have some work to do. Choosing a career is a big deal. It, supposedly, starts in our early school days. There are career days and fairs, mentors and panels. But as a Black woman, I’m realizing that only the traditional or famous careers were encouraged - the doctor, lawyer, teacher, athlete, musician. It makes sense, these roles are either guaranteed income and job security or have very visible minorities occupying them. But these roles are such a small percentage of the possibilities that are out there!

So, presently, it helps to think about what tasks and responsibilities you’ve excelled at in your past roles; what projects and activities you’ve enjoyed in your past roles; what work environment and culture you’re looking for; what compensation would allow for the life you want to live; and what your ultimate professional end goal is. We don’t have to get too into the nitty-gritty because we’re not yet at the goal-setting stage. We’re simply at the possibilities stage. It’s okay to have one or two options or even a general direction without much specificity. We’ll get into that at the next step.

Health

Health generally refers to our physical health. But it can also include emotional and mental health, as well as spirituality and wellness. When envisioning your health, consider things like weight or size, physical activity, nutrition, mindfulness practice, personal growth, sleep habits, therapy, and more. We can be as specific or as general we want.

Personally, I envision myself as a better eater than I currently am, and one of those people who run long distances just for fun. But that’s really about it. I am generally a healthy person due to regular doctor’s visits, church participation, and therapy sessions. So this is not an area I will need to change much.

Finances

Ahhh finances. Finances are a big one. When thinking about finances, consider what you want your finances to look like. Do you want to be an investor? Or keep your money under your mattress? Do you want to be a giver to charities and foundations? Or do you want to save it? Do you want to be considered wealthy? Or are you okay with just enough? Do you want to set up funds and legacies for your children? Or trust that they’ll manage for themselves? Do you want to acquire lots of assets? Or live a simpler, more modest life? Again, there’s no right or wrong answer. And, of course, if your current finances are exactly what you’ve always envisioned for yourself, then you’re good!

I’ve talked a bit about finances on this blog, and the hit they took when my ex left. I’m doing much better now, thank God. But I’m still not where I’d like to be. Personally, my vision has always been to set my daughter up for success and give. I’ve never needed or wanted a whole lot. But I certainly want financial freedom. So this will be a big priority for me.

Romance

Ahhhh romance. This is a big one for us. If you’re reading this blog, you’ve likely gone through a big breakup or divorce. So it’s no small feat to envision a romantic future. Do you want to get married again? Or would you rather a long-term partner? Maybe a friends with benefits scenario? Or do you just not want to date at all? Then, if you have a partner - what will that look like for you? Integrating your lives or living more parallel lives (I have to admit, I’ve thought of this)? Living together or living separately? You may have a very clear vision of what you want. Or you may have no idea at all. It helps to have an inkling of what you’d like for the sake of the vision. But I’m also a huge proponent of adaptability and being okay if (and when) things change.

This is a hard one. I go back and forth. Sometimes, I want the whole marriage, a big house, more kids together situation. Other times, I look at my daughter, and I feel completely comfortable with it just being me and here for the rest of our lives and perhaps just having really great male friends to hang out with sometimes. I’m not sure. I’ll have to really think about it. I may give it less of a priority in my vision than the other pieces.

Family and Friends

This has the potential to be another big one. When I think of family, I immediately think of whether I’ll have more children or not. And really, I can’t know for sure, unless I plan to go the route of adoption or artificial insemination. (Both of those are perfectly fine options too!) Would I like for my daughter to have a sibling? Absolutely. Will I still want that if it hasn’t happened by the time I’m 40? I’m not so sure. Will I want to be married before having another child? Who knows?! I certainly don’t. So this is a tough one for me. But for you, it’s the perfect category to think about whether the life you envision for yourself includes children. If so, how many? Then, there are other considerations like your immediate family. What do you envision your relationship with your parents, siblings, and extended family to be like? Is there work to be done? Is everything good as is? How much time will be spent with them? What sort of memories will you make? What traditions will you participate in? So many things to consider, and such a fun category to consider them in.

Similarly, think about the sort of friendships that will enhance the life you envision for yourself. How will you support and celebrate each other? What sort of activities do you do? How often do you communicate? How much do you confide in them? How many do you have? I have found myself unintentionally thinking about this during the COVID-19 pandemic. I’ve been reflecting on who I talk to most, and who I walk away from a conversation feeling best with. I’m noticing who I’m most comfortable talking to and who I save for last. Now I’m seeing that the people left all share similarities. So it would seem I have a vision for my friendships without even having set one.

Home and Environment

I don’t know about you, but this category always excites me the most! I just love thinking about where I’m going to live. Remember that game we’d play in school, as children, “M.A.S.H?” And we’d try to see what our entire lives would look like? And if we really liked it, we’d fold it up nice and neat and keep it with us forever? Oh… that was just me! Well, you missed out lol. In any case, this category asks us to envision where we want to live - geographically, logistically, aesthetically. Do you want a penthouse apartment in the city? Do you want a ranch house in the country? Do you want a mansion in the suburbs? Do you want it filled with children and animals? Or do you want it more like a bachelor pad? Will there be an electric or sports car out front? Will your parents live with you? Will you commute to work? All those fun questions.

I go back and forth a lot. I’m, of course, located in the Los Angeles metropolitan area. And I don’t really want to leave. So it seems obvious that I’d want the penthouse apartment in the city or some nice family home tucked away in the corner of the city. But really, I’m from and reside in a little city in LA that has more of a suburb/small-town feel. Add to that, that whenever I visit small towns I absolutely adore them (Albuquerque is my favorite place ever!). So sometimes I think I’d like to live in a ranch house in the country. But where am I going to find the country in LA?! So. Yeah. That’s where I’m at. I’ve got some reflecting to do.

Fun and Recreation

This last category, is probably most appropriately, the most fun one. See what I did there? This is the category where I think we daydream. How do we want to spend our time? Who do we want to spend it with? What are the memories we want to make? What’s on our bucket list? What have we always wanted to do but never got around to? How can we treat ourselves more? How can we have more, well, fun?

The primary thing I’m envisioning for myself in this category is travel! I want to travel more with my family, my daughter, my friends, and even by myself. I love being in nature. And there are so many beautiful places to see. I don’t want to just see them on Instagram. No. I want to be the one posting them to Instagram lol! I travel now. But I definitely want to step it up a bit. I’ve also, always wanted to learn how to fly a plane. Since I was like 13. So that’s definitely going in the vision.

Zoom Out

Now that we’ve looked at the all categories that are said to make up the balance of our lives, we can zoom back out to see the big picture. The answers in each category should form a cohesive picture of your desires. Do you see yourself as a moderately successful artist, living in a nice, quiet suburb with your daughter and two cats who likes to hike on the weekends and travel on weekends? Or are you a wildly famous professor and expert, living in a large house in the city with your husband and two kids who cycles on her peleton in the mornings, guest commentates in the evenings, and spends her weekends at soccer games? Literally, I could do this all day because the possibilities are endless. They’re YOUR possibilities, your vision for yourself, and your life. You can make them whatever you want.

Hopefully, this super long post and the worksheet helped. And hopefully, you now have a bit more clarity about the life you want to create for yourself and a tiny bit of an idea of what you have to do to get there. This is important because the next step is to research what’s needed to achieve it.

I’d love to hear your visions for yourselves! Share below in the comments. And if you share, I’ll share!