Dating after divorce can feel like a big and complicated task. For Black millennial women, this journey can be uniquely layered with personal growth, cultural pressures, and societal expectations. So, how do you know when you’re actually ready to date again? Let’s talk about the signs, lessons learned, and how to trust yourself in the process.

Dating Found Me… and Wouldn’t Leave Me Alone

I never made a conscious decision to jump back into dating. Instead, men just seemed to appear when I least expected it—like the Spectrum representative I hit it off with just three months after separating, or an old friend sliding into my DMs a year later to compliment me on how I was handling my separation, or even connecting with my neighbor after he checked in on me after a noise disturbance in our building. And so on.

I didn’t actively seek dating out—it just happened. At first, it was a huge confidence boost and I thought I was taking it all in stride. But in hindsight, I see that my vulnerability and lack of intentional decision-making led me to allow men who were emotionally unavailable to take up space that should’ve been mine to fill. It wasn’t about them; it was about me not having clear boundaries or priorities at the time.

Dating isn’t something you should stumble into out of habit, ignorance, or desperation. You deserve to make intentional choices about who you allow into your life. Without that intention, it’s easy to get lost in a pattern of entertaining any man who shows interest, regardless of whether he aligns with your values, desires, or needs.

Don’t just let life throw men at you. Set some intentions for what you want. If you don’t, you might end up giving emotional space to the wrong people.

You Have to Heal First

After years of entertaining any man who crossed my path, I realized I needed to take a serious step back and heal. I started doing the work: therapy, self-reflection, journaling, and building up my self-worth. As I did the work, it became abundantly clear that I wasn’t even ready to date until I understood my own emotional wounds and patterns.

My aha moment came when I realized that I was always repeating the same patterns. I kept pouring time and energy into men who weren’t emotionally available or capable of giving me what I wanted. Even when I knew it, I’d answer their calls, spend my child-free nights with them, buy them gifts, and beg for their commitment. I let myself get stuck in this cycle because I was still healing from my divorce and didn’t understand how to break free.

Don’t rush it. You can’t build something healthy until you’ve gathered all the tools and prepared the site. Take your time—it’s worth it. Emotional readiness comes from understanding your triggers, understanding what you need in a partner, and being okay with exclusively focusing on yourself while you heal.

Then, Embrace Solo Time

I had to nurture the relationship with myself before I could even think about nurturing a relationship with someone else. This meant diving deep into self-reflection. I spent many months journaling, reading, and better understanding myself (like exploring my human design and history). More importantly, I focused on building self-worth. I asked myself questions like: “Why do I like wearing sneakers over heels? Why do I prefer nonprofit work over corporate?” These things seemed small, but they helped open the door to exploring who I am and what I need.

I also explored the reasons behind my low self-worth, often tracing it back to my childhood or past relationships. I began to recognize how these experiences shaped the way I viewed myself and the choices I made. Healing wasn’t just about the divorce. It was about undoing the hurt done before it and exacerbated by it.

The work isn’t just about healing from your divorce—it’s about getting to know yourself. Be honest with yourself about your desires, your past, and your personality traits. Spend time alone and let that be empowering, not isolating.

Recognizing the Difference Between Loneliness and Readiness

I often get asked how to tell the difference between dating out of loneliness and being ready for a committed relationship. Here’s the thing: when you’re truly ready, you won’t settle for anything less than a full, loving connection. When you’re dating out of loneliness, you might just be looking for someone to pass the time with or physically be there to ease the ache of being alone.

It’s important to be honest with yourself about where you are emotionally. You can go through phases of loneliness, but that’s a separate journey from actually being ready for a relationship. When you’re in the right headspace, you’ll want all of it—the emotional connection, the intimacy, the partnership. You won’t settle for anything less.

Be honest with yourself about what you need. There’s no shame in going through each phase of dating, as long as you’re honest about where you are. And when you’re ready, you’ll know it.

When You’re Ready, Set Your Own Timeline

There were external pressures, yes. My friends occasionally asked if I was dating or when I was going to “get back out there”, and family members occasionally nudged me about having more children. But in terms of dating, I never felt pressured to date before I was ready. My timeline was mine to set. Sure, there were comments here and there, but it was always clear to me that there was no rush. I had to do what was right for me and my healing process, not what society or anyone else thought was the “right time.”

Don’t let others’ timelines dictate your own. You’re the one who knows when you’re ready, so don’t let external pressure rush you.

Trust Your Gut and Don’t Settle

You know what they say—your intuition is always right. It’s so easy to ignore the red flags when you’re all caught up in the excitement of a new connection. But if something feels off, it likely is. It’s so important to pay attention to the type of men you’re attracting, what you’re willing to receive, and, equally important, what you’re willing to give. Too often, I ignored the red flags because I wanted to believe that something could work; I was paying more attention to the potential or fairy tale than to the present reality. In the end, my intuition always knew when something wasn’t right, and I should have listened sooner.

Instead, I compromised too much. I didn’t listen when something didn’t sit right with me—their actions, words, or lack of emotional availability. Other times, I had impossibly high standards or gave up too much in hopes of keeping them around. Either way, it wasn’t a healthy balance, and I didn’t know how to correct it until much later.

Listen to your intuition and recognize red flags early. Pay attention to how you feel in their presence. Those feelings are valid and worth trusting.

Set Strong Expectations and Standards

When I first got divorced, I had some pretty naive ideas about what dating after divorce would look like. I assumed that a man would meet me, we’d click, and we’d live happily ever after. I didn’t think my child or my divorce would impact my dating life in any significant way. Society often tells us that being a single parent or being a divorcée will make it harder to date. But in my experience, that wasn’t the case. Men didn’t shy away just because I was a single parent, and I didn’t face the challenges I thought I would based on societal expectations.

What did change over time, however, were my standards. As I grew, I realized I wasn’t just looking for any connection—I needed someone who could step into the role of a stepfather, someone emotionally mature enough to handle the complexities of dating someone with a child. I also wanted someone who was financially responsible, had emotional intelligence, and shared similar values. These standards became non-negotiable, and I stopped compromising on them.

Even though my expectations for dating remained the same—wanting a genuine connection and a fulfilling relationship—my standards had to grow in order to align with what I truly needed in a partner. The shift was all about refining my expectations to focus on the qualities that mattered most.

Let life teach you your relationship goals. They’ll evolve as you grow, so stay open and flexible. But make sure you know what you want and why you want it.

What’s Your Relationship Goal?

As I grew older and moved through life, I became clearer on what I wanted from a relationship. I wasn’t just looking for any ol’ body—I wanted someone who would add to my life, not subtract from it. I wanted someone who had emotional maturity, career ambition, financial responsibility, and a kind spirit. But more importantly, I wanted a relationship that felt gentle, evolving, and built on mutual trust and collaboration.

I didn’t sit down and create a list. Life taught me what I valued over time. It was clear when I met someone who embodied those traits, and it was just as clear when I encountered someone who didn’t meet those standards. Over time, I stopped compromising on those values and learned that having high standards isn’t a negative—it’s a reflection of knowing your worth.

When you know what you want, you’ll know it when you see it. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. It’s okay to have high standards and to hold out for the right partner who aligns with your values.

Protect Your Peace With Boundaries

This was a huge lesson for me. I didn’t always have clear boundaries, and when I didn’t, men took advantage. I allowed them to cross emotional and physical lines that disrupted my peace. And it wasn’t until after doing so repeatedly that I learned the importance of knowing, setting, and enforcing boundaries. There was so much naivety involved—thinking I was being nice or accommodating by ignoring my own needs. And in return, I often felt emotionally drained, physically unsafe, or ignored (the irony).

Eventually, I learned that boundaries are a way to protect your peace, and that a man who respects you will respect your boundaries without question. Once I got clear on what I wanted and needed, I learned how to set boundaries. I started communicating about things that were unacceptable directly, and I felt empowered to walk away when they were ignored.

Start setting boundaries now. When you communicate your needs clearly and directly, you’ll find that the right people will respect them, and the wrong ones will fall away.

Don’t Fall for the Hype

The pressure to live up to certain standards is real—especially for Black women. Media, Instagram influencers, rappers, and even characters in Tyler Perry movies might try to make you feel like your path to empowerment involves being out in the streets or putting yourself on display. But real empowerment comes from knowing who you are, setting boundaries, and doing the internal work to heal.

Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like you need to exploit yourself to gain validation. True healing comes from within, not from the approval of others. Trust yourself, trust your process, and know that you’re worthy of love that respects you for who you are.

Know who you are and stand firm in it. Don’t let society’s objectification of women or what’s trending on Instagram lead you astray. Your journey is uniquely yours—take it at your own pace.

There’s no formula for dating after divorce. It’s a process, and it’s okay to take your time. Know that your journey is yours, and you deserve a healthy, loving relationship when you’re truly ready for it. Keep working on yourself, keep trusting your intuition, and remember: you’ve got this.

If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll get a glimpse into my journey—photos of me, happily married, after putting in the work to heal and grow. Let’s connect, support each other, and inspire each other as we continue to build lives we truly deserve.