Last week, we tackled introducing our children to a new romantic partner. This week, I want to tackle our children spending time with a new romantic partner. When I first sat down to write, it seemed redundant to last week’s post. But as I thought about it, an introduction is merely scraping the surface or dipping a toe in the pond. Spending time together is a HUGE deal. 

Introducing a child to a new romantic partner and having a child spend time with a new romantic partner have a lot of the same considerations - wanting a child’s input and comfort with the new partner, while also wanting to shield a child from unnecessary attachment or disappointment. How much would it suck to have this great bond with a new partner and be all excited for your future, only for your child to dislike them or feel uncomfortable around them? Conversely, how much would it suck to have your child develop a great bond with a new partner only for you to want to part ways? It’s a tricky situation. 

I think I’m in the camp that would hold out on introducing a new partner to my daughter until I knew for sure they’d be around for a while. I wouldn’t want to wait until engagement because that could be a recipe for disaster. But I would want to be sure about them before allowing my daughter to bond with them, and honestly, before changing our family dynamic. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you feel about it), I have not had a reason to figure this out for myself. I have not met anyone serious enough that would warrant meeting my daughter.  They’ve all been men who I liked and enjoyed spending time with, but wasn’t sure about a future with. 

My ex-husband on the other hand had to think about the question immediately since he started dating immediately. In his first post-marriage relationship, he introduced our daughter to his significant other rather quickly. Our daughter bonded with his significant other’s daughter and that created a nightmare when the relationship ended. Additionally, from what my ex told me, it changed the family dynamic in ways he hadn’t considered. For example, there were differences of opinion in nutrition, discipline, education, and extracurricular activities. I don’t think either ever told the other what to do with their child. But I think it created some awkwardness or tension that neither expected. Since that relationship, he has not had our daughter spend any time with his significant others. He says he’ll wait until they’re serious.

It’s a big deal to have someone around your child. Children are adorable little sponges, soaking up everything they see, hear, and experience. For this reason, I believe, I have to be careful with who they’re around. Their personalities, behaviors, and view of the world are being formed and solidified with each passing day and experience. I don’t want someone that I’m not even remotely sure about contributing to that precious process. I’ll wait until I know with certainty exactly how and what that contribution looks like. And then hope my daughter likes them...

What do you think?