Trying Not to Bad-Mouth
Bad-mouth (verb): to say bad things about; to criticize; to speak disloyally of.
The meaning of the phrase “bad-mouth” seems pretty obvious. Similarly, that co-parents should not bad-mouth one another seems rather obvious as well. When I put this rule in our settlement agreement, it seemed like a no-brainer. Of course, I wouldn’t bash my ex-husband to our daughter. Of course, I wouldn’t speak so critically about him to her that it negatively impacts her opinion of him. Of course, I wouldn’t let anyone else do either of those. And of course, he wouldn’t do the same. It’d be easy. I didn’t need any further explanation or guidelines. I thought no more about it.
Until I wanted to criticize him. For so many things. Dropping our daughter off late; canceling his visitation; complaining about any of my parenting choices; nagging me about doing her hair or putting her in different clothes; exposing her to people and things I wasn’t okay with -- oh, I could go on and on. But you get the point. Something disappointing or frustrating would happen, and I would feel those corresponding feelings. As an expressive person, I usually let these feelings out by communicating them to someone (mostly my mom). I’d rant for a second, get advice, and then move along.
I didn’t really think of this as bad-mouthing. Bad-mouthing seemed more intentional and direct, like talking to your child about their parent. I wasn’t doing that. I was never calling him names, insulting who he is as a person, or trying to change my daughter’s opinion of him. Instead, I was simply talking to someone else about a specific incident within earshot of my daughter. I think I assumed she wasn’t listening or comprehending. I don’t know why I thought that because she’s so observant and sensitive. But as she got older, she’d ask questions or her mood would shift after I was done ranting about him. She was hearing and reacting. And I hated that.
I want her to love and respect her father, and to develop her own opinions about him as she grows older from her own experiences. I don’t want to influence those in a small moment of adult frustration. So I make a conscious effort not to speak negatively about her dad when she’s around. If I’m frustrated and need to vent, I mostly wait until she’s asleep or goes in another room. I don’t always make it. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone and the person will ask a question that warrants an honest, and often frustrating answer. Sometimes I’m just not that great at holding in emotions or being patient. The good thing is it never gets disparaging or damaging, just annoying or inconvenient. But I’m trying! I’m a work in progress.
How do you handle “bad-mouthing?”
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I was able to accept that my ex and I would merely be co-parents, and nothing more, for the remainder of our lives. But I hadn’t accounted for the fact that my daughter would need to accept that as well.
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