Let's Talk Co-Parenting with Shana
This month we returned back to our discussion of co-parenting. I dished on ground rules as well as the introduction of significant others. Since these subjects are always a bit sensitive and varied, I wanted to get the perspective of another divorced mom. And I know the PERFECT mama for this perspective.
Allow me to introduce another one of my friends. (I seriously know a great tribe of impressive women!) I met her at yet another horrible job that I kept for about 10 months, and that taught me how to make the best of an unfavorable situation. I was able to get through each day because I’d hide out in her classroom whenever I needed a break. She was always so calming and understanding. In the years since our time working together, she has really leaned into those qualities and become this super cool and strong inspiration to women going through a divorce or any life crisis. Her name is Shana, and SHE will talk about co-parenting with us.
LH: Can you share a little bit about your divorce journey?
SS: Sure! I was with my ex [husband] for about 13 years. I hadn’t been happy for a while, but that didn’t seem to be a “good enough” reason to divorce. But after working with a therapist I learned that it’s more important for parents to be happy, even if that means they aren’t together...AND that the kids will be better off if their parents are happy rather than trying to stay together and “stick it out”! That was life-changing for me.
So I initiated the divorce. And yes, he was angry and hurt and I did go back and forth for several months wondering if I was making the right decision. The guilt about hurting him almost stopped me from going through with it a few times. Divorce is NOT EASY even when you’re the one who initiates it. It’s HARD, and painful, and makes you wonder if you’re crazy sometimes. But what helped me get through it without losing my ever-loving mind was: 1) sisterhood (my friends, my mom, all the women who came together to support me), 2) a good therapist, and 3) my own coach.
LH: When did you start coaching?
SS: I like to say I’ve been coaching my whole life! :) I just didn’t realize it. But I officially started my coaching business about a year ago.
LH: What made you decide to do it?
SS: I realized how impactful MY coach was for ME when I was going through my divorce and overcoming my confidence and lack of self-worth issues. I’ve always been that friend who people naturally come to. I’m a healer by nature. So when I discovered coaching it was just the perfect fit for me!
LH: Does your co-parent know about it? How does your co-parent feel about it (if we even care lol)?
SS: My ex and I are on amicable terms, but we don’t really discuss much beyond the kids. We don’t follow each other on social media either. So I honestly don’t know if he knows! But I always make sure to talk about my marriage and my ex in a respectful way so that if he (or my kids someday) were to see a post or article or whatever it would not be hurtful. And I do believe in keeping some aspects of our relationship private. BUT, on the other hand, if he DID know and was upset about it, it wouldn’t stop me. Because I know how many women’s lives I’m changing for the better.
LH: What is your co-parenting arrangement like?
SS: When our divorce was new it was difficult because he was still very hurt and angry at me, and I’m sure you know how that can look. Now things are so easy and flexible that I don’t even really think about it. Our agreement is 50/50 legal custody, and 60/40 physical custody. So that used to look like the kids being with their dad every Friday and then every other weekend. But now (5 years later), the kids are actually with me about 90% of the time. And that’s their choice. They’re old enough (8 and 10) to tell me what they need. They just let me know when they want to see him and he and I make it happen. But he does call them several times a week to make sure he is staying in contact.
LH: Do you and your co-parenting abide by any “ground rules” or non-negotiables? If so, what are they?
SS: We had a ton of stuff written up in our agreement, which I think is important. For example, we always must live within 75 miles of the other. I think we even wrote up who gets the kids on big holidays. But now our only “ground rule” is to communicate. So if I want to take the kids on a trip somewhere, out of respect I will ask him if he’s okay with it, and then give him all the trip details so he knows where we are. We also are at a point where we can share birthdays and big holidays like Christmas...so he usually comes to my house to celebrate those with us.
LH: What are your thoughts on introducing new significant others to your children?
SS: I think significant others should only be introduced when things are “serious”, as in you’ve been dating for a while and know that this is someone you plan to be with for a long time. If you’re just dating and having fun, that’s great (and actually really important for you to do, especially after divorce!), but don’t tell your kids about it. They don’t need to have temporary people introduced into their life. That can be very confusing for kids.
LH: Do you ever experience any mommy guilt because of your divorce? If so, how do you handle it?
SS: YESSSSSSSSSS! For the longest time, I thought, “I just ruined my kids’ lives for my own selfish reasons.” But I just go back to what my therapist said (and what is research-based by the way), that kids are much better off seeing their parents happy, even if that means those parents aren’t together. And we talk about life and feelings A LOT in my house. The kids know they can ask me anything and I will tell them (within reason of course) about their dad, our divorce, life, etc. So having that open communication with my kids has really helped me not feel that mom guilt about my divorce much anymore. Mom guilt in OTHER areas, that’s a whole different story!
LH: What tips can you give women just starting out on their divorce and/or co-parenting journeys?
SS:
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You WILL make it to the other side, thriving in fact. Yea, divorce sucks. But guess what… now you get to design your life exactly how YOU want it!
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As much as you might want to, never speak badly about your ex in front of your kids, or use your kids as a bargaining chip. That’s their dad and they deserve to see him in a good light (even if he’s a total dick to you).
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Reach out for help. There’s a reason divorce is on the “hardest life events” list. Find your sisterhood. Hire a coach. Get a therapist. Go to yoga. WHATEVER! But you don’t have to go through it alone.
LH: How can women work with you?
SS: I’m so happy you asked! I have a group coaching program called The BABE Academy (Bold And Badass Everyday) - it’s a powerful experience for only 10 women at a time, and it’s all about unleashing your inner confidence (because divorce can really tank your confidence), addressing that negative voice in your head who tries to hold you back, and getting rid of your self-doubt so you can step into the most powerful, magnetic, HAPPY version of you. You can find me on Instagram (@theshanastanley) or my website (www.shanastanley.com). Send me a DM and I’d love to connect with you!
How insightful and inspiring was that! I loved everything to her thoughts about when her children meet significant others and the flexibility of her and her ex’s visitation, to her coaching program and overcoming mommy guilt. Thanks soooo much to Shana for chatting with us. Until next time!
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This month I wanted to get the perspective of another divorced mom. And I know the PERFECT mama for this perspective - SHANA!
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