Loneliness
Last month I talked about some of the acceptance and closure I needed to gain in order to move forward before dating. This month, I want to talk about the more subtle things I didn’t realize I needed to tackle prior to dating. I realized them as I was dating and they were wreaking havoc on potential relationships and my emotional stability. The first is loneliness.
Loneliness, simply put, is the state of not having any human/personal company. When I was married, I had constant company. I had a live-in buddy, my daughter 24/7, and social events with our many married friends. Once my marriage ended, I no longer had that live-in buddy, my daughter wasn’t with me all the time, and the social events often lessened. I found myself without company rather often.
Now, I’m an introvert, so this wasn’t always a negative thing. I found “single” parenting my daughter required far more energy than I was used to expending. So at first, I happily took those days and nights to recharge. I’d watch TV, read a book, sleep. It was bliss. I didn’t mind or even really notice the time alone. If I really wanted to talk to someone, I’d call my mom or text a guy “friend”. So I always maintained emotional company.
But as time went on, I started to feel physically lonely. I wanted to have in-person interaction with people. So I started to feel my days and nights without my daughter with friends and potential suitors. This meant brunches, lounges, movies, Netflix (no chill), dinners, dates, etc. Anything to keep from sitting at home feeling like I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to be with.
And this is okay. Loneliness isn’t really a horrible feeling, in my opinion. We all know that human beings are social creatures. And if you’re Christian, like me, you know that God said it’s not good for man to be alone. So it makes perfect sense that when we’re alone often or regularly, we’ll want more. And I know, from talking with my therapist, that I usually ‘cured’ this loneliness in productive ways.
But then, I think I overdid it. My quest to cure my loneliness turned into my weekends being overpacked with activities. I wasn’t recharging, getting to know myself, or self-soothing. Eventually, I took a step back and had to make sure my alone time was more evenly split between myself and my friends.
More importantly, though, my quest to cure my loneliness turned into settling romantically. At worst, I could have done without the in-person interactions. What I really loved was the emotional connections I was developing with men. I loved getting “good morning beautiful” and “how did that meeting go?” and “I miss you” text messages. I loved having a man call or text me if I’d been silent for longer than 3 hours. I loved having a man to vent frustrations to or confide secrets in. That was like gold to me. It was that type of company I found I was struggling to do without.
So to keep it going, I’d do whatever it took. Ok, that’s probably dramatic. But I did notice I was tolerating a lot of disrespect just to be able to have someone talk to. I noticed men were starting to be inconsistent, flaky, or unavailable. I noticed I’d start to grow emotionally attached and crave more connection, and they’d withdraw. Instead of just confidently knowing I don’t need any man that will avoid connection and withdraw from me, I prioritized my loneliness and would then beg them to connect. It never worked. I was always left without their company in the end. Until a new man would come along, and the cycle would start all over. But always, eventually, ending with me being alone.
This past Spring, I finally recognized the pattern (after 3 years!). I decided I wasn’t going to fear the lack of romantic emotional connection. I would embrace the lack of company. I’d take that time to emotionally connect with myself. So I cut all the men off. I stopped texting and calling. If they texted or called me, I’d keep it brief. And I found my dependence on that type of interaction lessened greatly. I enjoy my own company. And my therapist actually remarked that she’s seen my confidence grow a great deal during this time.
Loneliness can be rough. But it usually comes for a moment and then goes. If you’re able to fill it in healthy ways, go for it! But don’t be afraid to embrace the lonely moments by leaning into yourself.
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