Last week, in diving into subtle areas of my life and behavior that I had to address before dating, I talked loneliness. This week, I want to talk about worry. 

Worry occurs when you allow your mind to dwell on difficulties or troubles. Let me tell you, that first year or two after my divorce, my mind was a crazy concoction of troubles. There was so much uncertainty. As a classic Type-A person, I’m an over-thinker and over-planner, and I think just generally prone to anxiousness. So having so much uncertainty in my life was difficult. I wasn’t sure what my career path would look like, whether I’d get remarried again, whether I’d have more children, where I’d live, or who I’d be. 

That lead to an ever-changing list of things I’d ask myself, obsess over, or try to resolve. Questions like: 

Where am I supposed to meet my next husband? Do I tell him right off the bat that I’m married and looking to get married again? 

Won’t that scare him away? 

What if he doesn’t want to be married, though? 

Will I be wasting time? 

What if I become attached? 

What if he doesn’t become attached? 

What if my daughter hates him?

What if he doesn’t fit in with my family? 

What if he’s super successful? 

Shouldn’t I be more successful? 

Should I take the bar exam again? 

Should I apply to this or that job? 

Maybe I’ll meet him at that job? 

You see how it just spirals right? That’s what I call it. The spiral. I definitely tend to put the cart way before the horse. I find because I want to be married again, and I had unresolved feelings about my first marriage, I was putting far more pressure on dating that necessary. That pressure made me worry about things that were really months or years away and usually tend to sort themselves out. 

I think, as a single woman for some years now, its natural to see other women in healthy relationships and sparkling new marriages and wonder if we’ll get our turn. I mean, sometimes, the future husband pickings out here can seem rather slim. Not to mention that after you take out the percentages of men who are in prison, not interested in women, or already married, we’re left with a seemingly pretty small selection. It can seem like we have plenty of cause to worry! But really, stop and think about whether worrying has ever helped you out or made you feel better. I’d be willing to bet money that it never has. 

But don’t beat yourself up too much. I did take it as a good sign that I had enough sense to worry. It’s better than rushing headfirst into something and making irrational decisions. It meant I was learning. And there are even some that say it can be productive emotion when done “correctly” because it warns against dangers and helps us prepare. So, as all of my blogs suggest, allow yourself to feel the worry, but don’t completely succumb to it. I’m right here with you, trying to do the same thing.