Insecurity
Photo by Melanie Wasser on Unsplash
The last subtle thing to be dealt with prior to dating is insecurity. And girl is that a big one. Insecurity is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; or the state of being open to danger or threat.
I’ve talked, at length, about the self-doubt (or insecurity) my divorce left me with. I was questioning my suitability as a wife, lover, and life partner. I was unsure, and at the time convinced, that I was never and would never be good at successfully filling any of these roles. I came up with things I could do to feel more confident and reassure myself of my worth. And it’s gotten much better!
I’ve also talked, just recently, about being open or susceptible to emotional injury (or vulnerability). I discussed how much I hated even admitting that I was so susceptible. I reflected that denying that for so long did me more harm than good. I admitted that while I still hate thinking of myself as vulnerable, I’m better at recognizing when I am.
So there’s no need to rehash individual insecurities. After all, every emotion I’ve discussed on this blog (anger, embarrassment, self-doubt, confusion, relief, loneliness, worry, and vulnerability) have all done their part to create or influence insecurities within me. I want this post to be about how those insecurities manifested themselves as I started dating, thereby alerting me that they were there and needed to be dealt with.
The first manifestation of my insecurities was the expectations I had of men in my life. I was often told I was moving too quickly and expecting too much. I was fresh out of a marriage and wanted to be married again. Not to mention the fact that my ex was able to secure a girlfriend immediately. I think, subconsciously, I wanted to prove to myself and others that I wasn’t a faulty romantic partner. I wanted to get rid of my embarrassment, self-doubt, and worry through male validation. So I’d meet a guy, talk to him consistently, maybe go on a date, and then want to be his girlfriend. I’d expect him to call every morning, afternoon, and night; to spend his weekends with me; to no longer talk to other women; to factor me into his life plan; mostly to profess how wonderful I am regularly. It. Never. Worked.
That’s when we meet insecurity manifestation number two - triggers. After I’d try to force men to make me their girlfriends, they would inevitably get a little squeamish. I’d be trying to have the “define the relationship” talk, and suddenly they didn’t know how to communicate. They were vague, or didn’t know what they wanted, or needed more time. If I persisted in asking, I would sometimes get an explanation of how my behavior (clinginess, pushiness) was impacting their decision-making. Eventually, I’d be ignored, left to “cool off.” I learned being ignored is one of my biggest triggers, followed closely by being minimized. This doesn’t seem surprising considering the poor communication and hostility of my marriage and divorce. Before I could process the tumultuous reaction I was having to these triggers, I was then firing off two dozen unanswered phone calls or ten angry unanswered texts. I was pouring my heart out and projecting my unresolved feelings all in one terribly embarrassing moment. It was horrible.
Now, let’s enter our last manifestation of insecurity, and definitely the hardest one, abandonment trauma. The first time I fully came to learn about abandonment trauma was while reading someone’s Instagram post about anxious attachment styles. I don’t necessarily subscribe to the attachment styles concept in its entirety. But it did open my eyes to a lot of the things I was doing (like demanding girlfriend status after 3 weeks and spiraling if I didn’t receive the validation I craved). For example, often people with anxious attachment styles need constant reassurance from their partners (me, right here), succumb to unhealthy relationships (we’ll get to that), have trouble trusting people (me, right here), and can exhibit irrational or overly emotional behavior (me, right here times two). The cause for this anxiety is often that someone very important to them, usually in childhood, abandoned them. I didn’t have anyone in my childhood abandon me. But very obviously, my ex-husband abandoned me. My therapist helped me to understand that this abandonment left some trauma behind. I both really wanted to emotionally connect to a man but had absolutely zero confidence that he would stick around. Then I’m Type A. So instead of allowing things to progress naturally, I’d try to force men to stay. When it didn’t happen, I’d emotionally spiral and they’d leave. Every. Single. Time.
It’s so important to identify our insecurities. Note I didn’t say get rid of them, I just said identify them. I think everyone has insecurities, and I think our insecurities change depending on the day or life phase. For me, I’ve worked with my therapist to develop some techniques to focus on what’s real and what’s my anxiety, how to quiet my mind, how to think before acting, and how to let things naturally unfold. I’m a work in progress, definitely. I mean, I might fire off 5 angry texts tonight. But we’re a step down from 10! Haha, I’m kidding, mostly. It’s so much easier to be aware of the impact of these things on my life. I can now make a conscious effort to act in a way that’s less damaging to me and my relationships.
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When I realized I needed to, and was ready to, build a new life for myself, I ran straight towards the plans - big plans. Inevitably, what then came was anxiety and overwhelm. I prompted myself to slow down, and over the course of several weeks took stock of all I had done for myself.
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