How to Let Friends In On Your Divorce
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The day my ex left, I called three of my friends, to tell them of the news. I talked here about how supportive, loving, and necessary they were to me getting through that day and its initial shock. I urged any woman going through a divorce to lean on her friends. And I left it at that.
But how exactly do you lean on your friends? How do you let people into something so traumatic? How do you trust them with your life story and your deepest feelings? I didn’t talk about it then. But we’re, for sure, going to talk about it now.
I have 5 tips for letting friends in on your divorce:
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Lower your defenses
After a traumatic event, we are often defensive as a way of protecting our emotional wounds. The (unconscious) thought is ‘I have to keep this potential threat away.’ After your partner leaves you, and I say this from experience, there are deep emotional wounds. Wounds like abandonment, low self-esteem and worth, betrayal, and much much more. It only makes sense that you’d want to prevent any further injury to these already vulnerable areas. But by building this wall or fence, not only are we keeping out any further injury, we’re often keeping out any actual healing. To let your friends (or anyone you trust) in to help you recover, you have to lower your defenses.
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Be willing
Lowering your defenses isn’t enough. You can’t lower your defenses grudgingly or skeptically. Doing so will leave you unable to be receptive. You must lower your defenses and enter into conversation and company willingly, with the best intentions.
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Say only what you want
Now just because I encourage you to enter into conversation and company willingly, does not mean to go spilling all of your business to everyone and their mama. You only have to tell what you want to tell; no more, no less. While it helps your friends to have a complete picture, real friends will be able to comfort and support you with just a morsel of the story. Don’t feel pressured to say more than what you’re comfortable with. It is, after all, your story.
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Ask for what you need
Have you ever heard someone say, “I’m here if you need me”? Or “call me if you need me”? How many of us actually call? Well, we should. So many people in our lives want to be of service to us, but simply have no idea how to be. They don’t want to impose or force their way into our lives. So they wait for us to say “I need you.” And we often don’t. Well, it’s helpful to you and your friends, if you’re able to express what you need - company, food, money, a listening ear, a ride, etc. I think friends would even be receptive to “I’m not sure what I need, but I know I need something.” When I called my friends that day, I didn’t know what I needed and I didn’t ask them to come over. But I did sit on the phone with each of them long enough for them to realize I needed company.
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Listen
After you’ve done everything detailed above, then you can sit back with your sorrow, and listen. Listen to your friends encourage, support, build up, pray over, and entertain you. You let them be there for you.
Once you find that you’re ready and able to do these things, you call a friend. You call a friend that’s proven to be consistent, safe, and kind. You show them a little vulnerability, and you allow them to show you love.
How does that sound? Doable?
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Lower your defenses · Be willing · Say only what you want · Ask for what you need · Listen
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