My Ex's Friends
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I recognize that my divorce was different in many ways compared to the experience of many others. I imagine the topic I’m going to touch on in this post is one of those ways my experience was easier, as well. My ex’s friends were amazing to me - both when we were married and when we weren’t! Their interactions with me did not change.
My ex is one of those very fortunate people who have had the same core group of friends since he was a child. I believe most of them met while in elementary school, and have maintained close friendships throughout secondary school, marriages, and children. They played such an important role in his life that they were even groomsmen at our wedding. An added bonus is I get along with many of their significant others. It was actually pretty amazing to be a part of.
All while my ex and I dated and were married, we’d often see each other during date nights, birthdays, bachelor parties, weddings, baby showers, and children’s events. Every time I saw them, they embraced me as if I’d been part of their group since childhood too. There were always hugs, laughs, deep talks, and inside jokes. I’d come to really look forward to, and treasure, any time I got to spend with them.
So when we separated and ultimately divorced, I just knew that I wouldn’t see them again. And if I did, it wouldn’t be pleasant. But I was completely surprised! Not only did I see them at parties, weddings and children’s events, but they were often the ones going out of their way to make sure I was invited and included in these events! It was incredibly assuring to know that my identity as their friend superseded my identity as his wife. And that I’d made such a good mark on them that my presence was still valued.
Now, I appreciated simply being invited. But what meant the most was the care with which they handled my feelings during this time. The wives or girlfriends would often ask if I was going to feel uncomfortable with my ex being there. If I even hesitated while answering, they’d ask how they could mitigate my discomfort. They’d also attempt to give me a heads up if he was planning to attend the event, and if he was bringing a plus one. That level of thoughtfulness was rare during my divorce experience and something I never took for granted nor forgot.
I’ve heard horror stories about friends who completely ignore or shun the party that wasn’t initially their friend. Or even worse, friends who go out of their way to pick a side and make the opposing side miserable. I’m so grateful that was not my experience. His friends, at least to my face, never appeared to take a side or meddle too deeply into our affairs. They expressed their sorrow for seeing our split, and their hopes for both of us to do what’s best for us and our daughter. But they simultaneously gave us the space to decide what’s best for us. And really, that’s all anyone can do or say.
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Lower your defenses · Be willing · Say only what you want · Ask for what you need · Listen
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