To Comment or Not?
For the first 6 months of my separation, the only people who knew about my husband leaving were those who I told. I was still very overwhelmed with the idea that I was getting divorced and going to be a “single” parent. So my priority wasn’t announcing to the world the devastating trauma I was experiencing.
But once I had begun settling into my life, and was tired of constantly answering where my ex was, I announced it very classily in an Instagram post (such a sign of the times right?!). I very subtly mentioned that my marriage had ended, and left it at that. The outpouring of love I received in response was one of the most heartwarming moments of my life. It was like collective empathy and virtual hugs.
Friends and associates commented on the post that they were praying for me; that I looked beautiful despite my devastation; that they knew I’d be okay; that they were so sorry to hear it; and more. Those were just the comments! My inbox was full of even more messages like those. Then those who had my number sent wonderfully comforting texts of encouragement. That any of these people cared enough to take a few moments out of their day to show me I was loved and supported was everything I didn’t realize I needed at the time.
And there’s more! Many of these friends and associates continued to check on me periodically for the next few months and even years. When there was a holiday, especially Valentine’s Day or our Wedding Anniversary, they would ensure I didn’t feel left out or forgotten. They would offer to go out with me or invite me out to celebrate with them. To know my well-being mattered enough to them to consider it at times that were nothing but joyous for them meant everything to me. I endeavored to make sure they knew how much it meant to me and how much I appreciated it.
And then, there were a few friends and acquaintances who said nothing in response. They may have “liked” the Instagram post. But they didn’t leave a comment, send a text, or check-in. If I happened to see them, the conversation continued as though nothing life-changing had just happened to me.
Initially, I took this lack of response very personally. I just knew that it meant they didn’t care about my well-being or they didn’t think my separation was profound enough to solicit a comment. I would then, of course, because I’m an overthinker, reevaluate our friendship. I’d reason since I meant so little to them to even warrant a response, I needed to lower their position in my life and their esteem in my mind. Who knows? For some of them, that may have been their reason and intent. They may have had bigger and more devastating things happening in their life, to which my divorce paled in comparison. Or perhaps having never been married or in a serious relationship, they were simply unable to understand the devastation I was experiencing.
As time progressed, I realized the most likely reason for their apparent silence was simply that they didn’t know what to say. As marriage and divorce are very unique and private affairs, they may have felt uncomfortable offering - what may have felt like - an opinion on the matter. Or perhaps because I didn’t give any real details about my marriage or divorce, they may have felt unequipped to comment - should they say “good riddance” or “maybe he’ll be back”. Or perhaps they suspected that no matter what they said it wasn’t going to repair my marriage or mend my spirit. Whatever their reason, I’d like to think it was well-intended for them.
It took me a year or two to stop holding this against them. It required that I step outside my experience as a divorcee, and think about my friends’ experiences. The friends of divorcees have a tough job. They are expected to bring comfort to a situation that really can’t be comforted by anything but time. Moreover, they are expected to do this regardless of whether their personality is an empathetic or demonstrative one; despite what triggers the divorce may bring up for them; and regardless of the standing of the friendship. Most importantly, as well, people can only give to you from what they have. So depending on what’s going on for them, it can be a lot to expect. If you’re feeling neglected or offended like I was, try to be patient with them, and focus on and appreciate the friends that do support you.
