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Almost two years after my separation, I had a falling out with one of my friends. To be clear, this post is not about my friend, our friendship, nor the falling out. However, in our last conversation, she said something very interesting that had been hinted at by another acquaintance or two prior. 

When I asked why my friend why she’d been distant, part of her response was because I was divorced. I can’t even explain how much that hurt me because my divorce wasn’t my fault. The idea that married women struggled to be friends with a divorced woman was not new to me. As most of my friends at the time of my divorce were married, I had noticed distance before. 

At that moment, in that conversation, I took it very personally. When I needed friends and friendship the most, I was being abandoned. And to make it even worse, I was being abandoned not because I was a horrible person or friend but because I was experiencing this catastrophic event. This catastrophic event that I didn’t actually put into motion or participate in. It seemed very selfish of my friends. And I felt betrayed. 

However, a little time allowed me to reflect on the conversations I had had with these women after my separation and before the distance. I remembered that they occasionally felt envious of my free time (when my daughter was with my ex), male attention, and newfound independence. And I recollected that this envy was heightened if they’d just had an argument or rough patch with their husband. Of course, they were happy in their marriages and did not wish to be divorced. But in moments of insufficiency or discontent, the grass appeared greener on the other side. 

I’d like to believe these women had no issue with me personally because I was divorced. But rather they recognized that my predicament (unintended by me) was triggering any momentary insecurities they were experiencing in their marriages. Marriage is hard and constant work. As such, its something you have to commit to working on. So I can definitely understand how if your marriage is having a rough day, hearing about what appears to be all the things you’re missing out on being married could be difficult. 

And honestly, as an advocate of self-care and mental health, I commend them for recognizing what was triggering them and moving away from it.  As the recipient of the move away, it’d have been nice for this to have been communicated to me. Similarly, it’d be nice if the distance were removed once the marriage was in a better space. But I’ve evolved enough to know that everyone handles their emotions and circumstances in different ways, and I’m working hard to be more understanding of this. 

So ladies, if you have married friends and they sometimes struggle to support you during your divorce, try to be a little understanding. We’re all operating from the baggage we carry around every day, and we do our best.