Spousal Support? No, thank you.
Spousal support. One of the most controversial aspects of divorce. When celebrities or millionaires get divorced, we often hear about one spouse having to give the other spouse these huge sums of money on a monthly basis. We hear this and think, “that’s crazy! Who needs that much money?” Or “she’s a millionaire too. What does she need more money for?” We assume these recipients, whether men or women are greedy or selfish for wanting and accepting these large sums.
Spousal support is a sum of money given to a former spouse at a divorce. It is usually taken from the higher-earning spouse and given to the lower-earning spouse, on a monthly basis. It is generally meant to prevent or limit the unfair economic advantage often created by divorce, by providing a continuing source of income. In California, this continuing source of income is not meant to last forever. Rather it is meant to bridge the gap between the two earners while the lower-earning spouse becomes self-sufficient. The tricky part comes with what it means to be “self-sufficient”. Often, this means self-sufficient in their world, considering their standards and costs of living.
Spousal support is requested when either spouse files their divorce papers. Because I was a student for the entire duration of our marriage, it seemed like a good and obvious choice for me to check the box indicating I wanted spousal support from my ex. But I didn’t. I didn’t even consider it. For 3 reasons.
First, I didn’t want his money. Immediately following my ex’s departure, our rapport was very difficult. He was usually mean - reminding me why he left; assuring me he’d never return; insisting I would never find someone as great as him. I was usually sad - begging for a second chance; pleading to save my “family”; quietly taking in all the negativity. I felt weak and pathetic. So at some point, I got tired of it all. I decided to let him and the relationship go. In that, I took my power back and rebuilt my life. And we all know that money comes with a certain degree of power. So did I want to accept pennies from my ex every month in order to live? Did I want to give him that power or bragging right? HECK NO.
Second, I knew I’d make my own money and wouldn’t need his. Not to toot my own horn, but I am well educated and a hard worker. I’ve never had a problem finding a job or paying my bills. So while I was unemployed during the marriage, and broke at the end of the marriage, I knew without a doubt that that was only temporary. I knew I’d be fine. So again, I skipped right over that box.
Third, I didn’t want the fight. In the time between my ex leaving and me finding a job, it would have been so convenient and comfortable to get monthly funds from my ex. It would have alleviated my worries. But I knew he didn’t want to give it. In fact, he had even mentioned requesting it from me! I wanted our divorce to go as quickly and smoothly as possible. I especially didn’t want to have to hire a lawyer or go to court. If I asked him for spousal support, he would have opposed it. And we’d have to go to court and fight it out. I didn’t have the energy or desire for such a fight. So, you know it, I skipped over that box.
Remember, this was just my experience. I am certainly a proponent of spousal support. I think it is fair and well deserved in most cases. Perhaps, I just let my pride get in the way and didn’t request it. But if it would alleviate some of your stress and make your life easier, I support that completely. In the end, as with most things in life, do what’s best for you. And usually, only you know what that is.
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