She Won't Go
Having to share the time spent with my daughter with my ex-husband was a huge adjustment to make. I work up the strength and will to pack my daughter up, drop her off at her father’s, and head back home alone. I sit on my couch, watch TV, read a book, or maybe even go out with a friend. I manage to think about her, but not painfully miss her. With each visit and weekend, this gets easier and easier…
Except when she refuses to go or stay. Sometimes, as I pack her up, she’ll insist she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s house. Sometimes, she’ll try to bargain for only going one night instead of two. Other times, her dad will call exasperated because she’s refusing to sleep at his house. Then other times, as is the case most recently, she’ll call me the entire time she’s with her dad asking when I’m coming to get her.
Don’t get me wrong. She enjoys her time with her dad. He buys her far more toys and clothes than any child actually needs. He takes her to fun kids’ parties and amusement parks. He loves and cares for her. I think it simply boils down to the fact that my sweet girl is a mama’s girl. This makes sense once you get to know her because we have identical personalities and sensitivities. So she is at her most comfortable with me, I think.
But what am I supposed to do when she calls asking to come home? Seriously. I’m asking. I contemplate this every time she asks.
When we first started co-parenting, I would pick her up when she asked. Of course, she was much younger then and the drastic change was new. So picking her up seemed like the obvious choice. But as her requests to be picked up became more frequent, I started to wonder if this was the best choice. Especially after it became clear from the waterworks display accompanying her request that she knew I’d come running if she asked.
Her dad and my mom both insist she should stay with him when she asks. Her dad enjoys his time with her and wants her to spend the time adjusting to and embracing the change in environment. My mom knows the time I have while she’s with her dad is my only time to mentally and emotionally recharge, write, exercise, and spend time with friends. Both also believe that she is definitely aware of my weak spot for her and takes full advantage. Little bugger.
I agree with all of their assertions. But I’m her mother. If she wants me, I’m there. Right? I mean, what’s the harm in picking her up, right? Well, I try to remind myself that every time I pick her up, I rob her and her dad of time spent developing their relationship. And the relationship between a father and daughter is a very special and necessary one. Additionally, every time I pick her up, I rob myself of time spent on well-deserved and much-needed self-care.
While I know this, I can’t promise I won’t debate or offer to pick her up next time she calls. But now I try to determine if what she needs is exclusive to me, and necessary at that precise moment. Most of the time, it is not. So I will continue to remind myself of why I don’t need to jump at her beck and call. I think that’s the right thing to do… maybe. I don’t really know.
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Lately, I’ve had to answer a variety of questions from my daughter. They always come when I least expect them. You can tell she’d thought about it before, that it wasn’t something that randomly popped into her mind just then. And perhaps, she was waiting for the right time to ask. And for some reason, that was the right time.
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