Mommy Guilt & Expectations
Mothers already have the pleasure of experiencing mommy guilt. Mommy guilt is a feeling of guilt, doubt, anxiety, or uncertainty when we think or feel that we are falling short of the motherhood expectations we set for ourselves, friends and family set for us, or society has imposed upon us. It tends to show up when we leave our children with someone, when our children are unhappy, when we’re enjoying ourselves or spending time without them, or when we think we’ve erred. We tend to assuage this guilt in a number of ways. But probably, most commonly, we do it by giving in to our children’s wishes and sacrificing our own self-care to devote even more time and attention to them.
My mommy guilt grew immensely after my separation and during my divorce. At the core of mommy guilt are expectations we set for ourselves about what being a good mother looks like and requires. I expected to give my daughter a two-parent household. Society tells us that two-parent households are the primary and preferred environment to provide stability, love, healthy relationships, and solid foundations to our children. I mean, for goodness sake, you don’t want them coming from a BROKEN HOME! (Who even coined that term “broken home”. It is the worst.) So I wanted, hoped, and expected to give these things to my daughter through our two-parent household. Until that was no longer an option.
The guilt I have felt, and sometimes even still struggle with, about raising my daughter in two separate homes can be heavy and unreasonable. I’ll feel like I failed her because she won’t have two parents to talk to, perform for, or receive physical care from at all times. I’ll think she’s somehow suffering because she can only spend time with one parent at a time. I’ll worry about her ability to sustain relationships because I failed in the relationship that is supposed to serve as her main example. I’ll wonder if my healing process is creating an unhappy environment for her.
I’m always aware of my mommy guilt at the moment. What I wasn’t aware of until I saw my ex-husband doing it was how I was handling the mommy guilt. I wasn’t sacrificing my self-care because I just did it while she was with her dad. Instead, I was going above and beyond to give her everything she even thought she could want.
I was buying her toys every time we walked into a store (thanks Target!). I was ordering her designer clothes and shoes (even though she wore a uniform 5 days out of every week). I was letting her eat cookies and candy all day and for every meal. I wasn’t disciplining or correcting her. In fact, I even delayed potty training her because she was disinterested and I felt bad insisting. Imagine that!
It took my mom and her teachers to point out to me that I was unnecessarily overcompensating. They reminded me that children are resilient (I know that’s often said, but that’s because it’s so true); that my daughter is smart and therefore aware that I’m allowing her to run the show; and that what she needed more than anything during that time were structure and consistency. Slowly I stopped buying her so many things, stopped letting her do whatever she wanted, established a routine, and reinstituted discipline. I certainly still have moments where I give in, knowing I probably shouldn’t. So, she’s spoiled. But I’m doing a fine job of giving her what she needs and meeting my own revised expectations of motherhood.
Mommy guilt is real. Don’t let it get the best of you or your child. Be kind to yourself with adjustable expectations. I’m sure you’re doing your best.
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Lately, I’ve had to answer a variety of questions from my daughter. They always come when I least expect them. You can tell she’d thought about it before, that it wasn’t something that randomly popped into her mind just then. And perhaps, she was waiting for the right time to ask. And for some reason, that was the right time.
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