The Unaccounted For Time
The time each child spends with a parent is often determined by a court-approved custody and visitation schedule (especially if there was a divorce). I’ve talked about how emotionally draining setting this schedule was. The court’s mediator went through each holiday and in excruciating detail. She covered holidays from Labor Day and St. Patrick’s Day to Thanksgiving and Christmas. She included what time our daughter would be picked up on those days and by which parent. Nothing was left out. Well, not really.
The schedule includes school and holiday breaks, of course. But I find there are small bits of time not fully accounted for. Or more accurately, they’re lumped together with other accounted-for times and I hadn’t fully realized that at the outset.
For example, most of my daughter’s doctor or dental appointments are during the school day. Her time during the school day is technically mine. I didn’t think much about that when determining the schedule because she spends ninety percent of her school time in school. But this means that any time she has a doctor or dental appointment, it’s on my time. And that means I have to take her. This isn’t a big problem; I would want to be present at these appointments anyway. But taking her to these appointments requires me to take time off of work. So I am always the parent taking time off of work to take her to appointments. This also occurs when she gets out of school for a half-day or has a pupil-free day. It is assumed or expected that I will take off of work to take care of her.
Let me tell you, being the primary parent and with only one parent in the home is incredibly exhausting. I don’t think people who parent with two parents in the home fully understand. I’ll elaborate. If I’m showering and my daughter needs something or hurts herself, I have to get out of the shower to attend to her because there’s no one else there. If she wakes up at six in the morning but I’m still sleepy, I have to wake up because there’s no one else there to let me “sleep in”. If I need to run a quick errand, I have to pack her up and take her with me because I can’t just run out real quick and leave her alone. If she wants to talk or play, I have to stop what I’m doing to talk or play because there’s no one else there to do so. It’s all on me.
For these reasons and the fact that I carry the bulk of the responsibility of our daughter, sometimes I’ll want to deviate from the schedule or compromise on the “unaccounted for” time. So I’ll ask my ex to keep her for a little while longer or for an hour or two. Shockingly, I’m often met with “no.” It’s not usually because he simply doesn’t want to. It’s usually that he has made other plans. It seems every moment that the court has not indicated he needs to spend with her, he has filled with other things to do. Sometimes this pisses me off. I won’t lie. Other times, I expect it and it doesn’t bother me. Interestingly though, I haven’t stopped asking. I’m always hoping the answer will change and I’ll feel more supported.
In sum, most of the time our daughter is with me and she is my responsibility. And I do not feel bad about this. I wanted her. I gave birth to her. I’ve nurtured her for five years. I will always take care of her and want to take care of her for the rest of her life. It can be an exhausting job, especially as a co-parent. But it’s a job that has endless rewards. And, I hear, that as she gets older her dependence on me will change, and so will the exhaustion.
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Lately, I’ve had to answer a variety of questions from my daughter. They always come when I least expect them. You can tell she’d thought about it before, that it wasn’t something that randomly popped into her mind just then. And perhaps, she was waiting for the right time to ask. And for some reason, that was the right time.
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