Co-Parenting Ground Rules
Ground rules are agreements about people’s expected behavior. Their purpose is to explicitly state the parties’ expectations or requirements of how each will behave. This prevents or reduces misunderstandings, disagreements, and damaging consequences. (Paraphrased from UW.)
Ground rules are not uncommon in co-parenting. They’re often detailed in custody mediations or suggested by family therapists. They can be as detailed or as general as the parents determine. Care.com, Talking Parents, 2 Houses, and many more parenting platforms have tons of guidelines for parents to choose from. I did not consult any of these platforms when creating my ground rules for my co-parenting relationship though. I figured them out by trial and error.
My ground rules include:
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Not negatively speaking about the co-parent to or in front of our daughter;
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Not having our daughter around people I don’t know or trust;
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Sticking to the court-approved visitation schedule;
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Communicating via email; and
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No woman spending the night with him while our daughter is present.
Of these, I want to focus on one - communicating via email.
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Since my marriage didn’t end by my choice, there was a lot of hurt and resentment. While I have worked through these emotions, they were alive and rearing their ugly heads at the beginning of our co-parenting journey. When you break up with someone without kids involved, you can just go on your merry way. You never have to see them again. Your wounds can heal without being poked or prodded. But when you have a child with someone and you break up, they don’t go away. Instead, you see them. All. The. Time! And when you see them, you’re supposed to be cordial, even if everything inside you determines they don’t deserve your cordiality. Talk about an exercise in self-control.
At first, I wasn’t so great at this self-control. Neither was he. Simple conversations, like “what time will you be picking her up?” or “can you bring her to my job instead of my apartment?” would become hostile. The conversation would become “that’s why I left you because you want everything your way all the time” and “if you knew how to communicate then I wouldn’t have to be so nitpicky!” They were unproductive and toxic.
During our marriage, we had a habit of communicating primarily through text or Google hangouts. It was convenient and allowed constant communication. Even after our separation, this continued. But instead of cute little updates about what we ate for breakfast or what our coworkers said to us, it was just hostility. One day, I decided I didn’t want to partake in this toxic communication anymore. I expressed this to him. So I initiated monthly visitation check-ins and communication by email.
These were emails I’d send him on the first of every month. I’d tell him which days were court-approved to be his days with our daughter; which days she had doctor’s or dentist’s appointments; which days she had school events; and the times and locations at which he could pick her up. I’d ask if he had any changes to make to the schedule. If he did, he’d respond to them via email. After that, no further discussion would be had about visitation. We continued on like that for months, even years.
To this day, I still do monthly check-in emails. However, now that we’re in a healthier space, we’ll text each other photos, updates, or concerns to one another. It’s usually cordial and respectful, sometimes even friendly and hilarious. If I sense that we’re misunderstanding one another or veering into hostile territory, I’ll stop texting and call him.
Since we’re stuck with them, let’s not have it be hell the whole time, right?! What’s worked for you? What are your ground rules?
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I was able to accept that my ex and I would merely be co-parents, and nothing more, for the remainder of our lives. But I hadn’t accounted for the fact that my daughter would need to accept that as well.
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