Introducing Children to New Significant Others
Ahhh, the age-old question - when do you introduce a new significant other to your child. Seriously, try googling it. You’re going to get a bazillion results, all saying different things.
I didn’t even get a chance to contemplate the question or what my answer would be. Why? You ask. Because my ex had a new significant other 0.002 seconds after he left. I had to figure it out very quickly. Like immediately. I recall him mentioning he was dating someone. Then I recall him mentioning that the ‘someone’ also had a daughter and that the daughter got along well with our daughter. This means THE ‘SOMEONE’ AND MY DAUGHTER HAD ALREADY MET! I hadn’t even been consulted. Not only did I not get to give my input on how my daughter was introduced to this new person, but I didn’t even get the courtesy of notice.
That was a hard pill to swallow. And by hard pill to swallow, I mean I. Went. Off. I was outraged. That he was dating already. That he already thought enough of her to introduce her to my daughter. That he didn’t think I’d want to know that information. (He insisted it wasn’t any different than introducing her to a male friend of his. Ugh.) It was such a difficult moment. Though I couldn’t do anything about the introduction to that ‘someone’, I stopped to consider the introduction to future someones - both his and mine.
At what point in the relationship are they introduced? Some say in the beginning of the relationship so your child’s opinion of them can be factored into the permanence of the relationship. Some say after the couple is engaged to limit your child’s exposure to people who may not last.
Then there’s location. Where are they introduced? At one of the parties’ homes? At a neutral location, like a park? Via FaceTime?
What do you say? “Hey, this is my lover.” Or “hey, this is a friend you’ll see sometimes.” Or “hey, this is my nighttime friend.” I’m sure it depends on their age, the parent-child relationship, and the nature of the significant other’s relationship. But it can be a loaded conversation.
Ultimately, I decided I don’t want significant others introduced to my daughter unless my ex or myself know they are going to be around for a while. I especially want this introduction delayed if the significant other has children because (we learned the hard way) the attachment to another child is tough. I found that’s my only rule really. The other things will fall into place once the timing is right.
I communicated this rule to my ex, and he seemed to understand. He has dated women since and they have not intentionally been introduced. This works for me. I’m appreciative.
What works for you?
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I was able to accept that my ex and I would merely be co-parents, and nothing more, for the remainder of our lives. But I hadn’t accounted for the fact that my daughter would need to accept that as well.
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