How to Go Home
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Soon after my ex left, I told my parents. I told my mom, on the phone, so that she could come to my rescue. I told my dad, in person, a few days later so that he could comfort me.
And soon after starting this blog, I encouraged you, my friends, to do the same - to go home. I found the support of my parents after my breakup and during my divorce to be critical to my survival and healing.
They checked in on my daughter and me regularly. They answer each and every phone call or text. They divert people who want to pry me with questions about my divorce. They’re armed (not literally, of course) and ready to confront him if they even think he’s about to make our lives any more difficult. They keep us company when we’re lonely. They entertain my daughter when she seems sensitive to any changes. They buy us groceries and kill spiders. They put gas in our car and treat us to lunch. They ride the emotional rollercoaster with us, responding only with love and encouragement.
I acknowledged that this looks different for everyone, depending on the nature of one’s relationship with their family. But aside from that, I didn’t give much guidance. So here we go. Guidance.
5 Ways to Use Your Parents’ Help During A Breakup
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Ask for their advice. They’ve been here before. Okay, maybe not “here” here, as in a divorce. But they’ve certainly been through a breakup. They’ll know, from experience, how to heal from a breakup, what to do and not do, who to trust and who not. They also, usually, have your best interest at heart, so the advice is biased in the best possible way.
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Ask for support. You may not need or be ready for advice. Instead, you may need help - tangible help. This could look like money, groceries, gas, babysitting, a co-signer, anything. They won’t know if you don’t ask. And you won’t get it unless you ask. So. Ask.
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Let them be a listening ear. Perhaps you don’t need or want advice or support. That’s okay! But everyone needs someone to talk to, whine to, vent to, cry to after a breakup or divorce. Let your parents be that person. If there’s anyone in the world who wants to hear it, and will never grow tired of hearing it, it’s your parents.
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Move back home. Did you know that millions of adults (7.2 in 2016 to be exact) move home after a breakup? And they stay for 6 months to a year? Well, it makes sense. You can save on expenses, lick your wounds, get support, and figure out your next steps all in the comfort of your family home. Believe me, I’d have done it if there were space for my daughter and me!
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Establish boundaries. Sometimes, asking for help can lead people to overstep. They can get invested in you, your life, and your next steps. This is no different with parents. (And I’d imagine this is especially so if you move back home.) So you may have to establish boundaries - what’s okay and what’s not, what you expect and what you don’t, what you’ll accept and what you won’t. This doesn’t have to be done in a rude or nasty way; it can be respectful, yet firm. For example, with my parents, my dad doesn’t generally say much about my ex or what happened. My mother though, let’s just say it’s taken her longer to forgive and forget than the rest of us. And that’s probably because she was so helpful in repairing my life after that break. But with that, she can express negative feelings or opinions. I’ll listen to an extent. But I’ve also expressed that I’m not going to participate in any disparaging or damaging conversation about my ex. And she respects that. So nice, clear boundaries will do wonders for you and your parents.
I hope that’s more helpful and concrete than the prior post! I’d love to hear from you. Have you tried any of these tips? Did they work?
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