Gratitude During Divorce
In my last blog post, I mention that the phase I’m currently in is all about rebuilding my life after divorce. That I’d come to the realization that I’ve been maintaining and not thriving. Specifically, I said, “I think I’ve gotten comfortable in the life I managed out of survival.” And what a powerful statement. Except I want to be careful about what exactly I’m conveying.
I don’t mean to say that for the past four years, I’ve just been surviving. That I’ve been unhappy with myself or my life. That I’ve been pining for the life I had during the marriage. Or that I’d lost myself, my way, or my zeal for life. No. That’s not what I meant. But what I think the word survival can portray.
Instead, what I meant to express was gratitude for the status quo I managed to maintain. That status quo was a life built with a partner. It had all the responsibility, parameters, and goals of a life created by two people. From big things like where we lived (the neighborhood, the building, the cost) and cars we drove (the make, the dealership, the financial agreement) to smaller things like eateries we frequented, brands we supported, and places we traveled, they were all decided upon jointly as part of our life together. Because we had done just that - built a life together to be lived together.
For me, being in this status quo was exacerbated by my naïveté. I met my ex-husband at 22 years old and got married at 25 years old. My adult life was conjoined or integrated with my married life. I’d had no time prior to marriage to establish what I wanted my life as an adult to look and feel like. In many ways, in hindsight, I was a child. That married life we built was the only life I knew how to live as an adult. And it hadn’t been carefully or intentionally crafted by me. As the naive, inexperienced wife, I let my ex-husband take the lead in crafting our lives.
When our marriage dissolved, it made sense that the life I knew would or could dissolve as well. But not for me. I knew nothing else. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me to scrap the life I had and start anew. I set out, wholeheartedly and fiercely, to mend what was broken by his departure. That’s probably the best description for it. At the beginning of this blog, I talk about this. All of it still applies. Except now I know it was mending an old life and not building a new one.
And that’s perfectly okay. In fact, that's what this whole post is about. How to rebuild your life and/or reinvent yourself after divorce. We’ve done the hard work of navigating the emotions of losing a relationship; we’ve done what we needed to survive; we’ve tackled court appearances and co-parenting schedules. Now, we want to get to the good stuff, the pot at the end of the rainbow. But I want to caution you to sit back, enjoy the rainbow, and thank yourself for even getting there.
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I have a “Type-A” personality. Of the nine enneagrams, I’m a 1. On the Myers-Briggs test, I come out an ISFJ. I say all that to say, I’m a planner. There is always a plan - for the day, the task, the phase. Having a plan can be great preparation. In fact, we’ll talk later making a plan for rebuilding our lives. But sometimes having a plan or getting caught up in a plan can cause me to gloss over or miss out on some pretty amazing things happening in the present. When I realized I needed to, and was ready to, build a new life for myself, I ran straight towards the plans - big plans. Inevitably, what then came was anxiety and overwhelm. I prompted myself to slow down, and over the course of several weeks took stock of all I had done for myself.
On my own, I:
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Acquired a job that allowed me to provide for Ava and I;
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Paid the bills by myself that were once shared;
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Drafted my marital settlement agreement that was received and approved by the court;
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Navigated co-parenting with grace, compassion, and fairness
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Became a friend and resource for other women;
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Tended to my mental and emotional well being
There’s so much more I could list, as I’m sure you could! But those are the highlights. It's important to reflect on our survival tactics as just that - survival tactics. Reflecting on them with disdain, shame, or pity, as we might be tempted to do is unfair. They carried us through an impossible time. They brought us here.
Instead, let’s look at them with gratitude. Thank ourselves and our old life for everything they’ve done for us. No better way to do that than with a gratitude exercise. They include journaling, keeping a gratitude jar, walking, reflecting, meditating, reciting affirmations, and praying. The idea is simply to take time to consciously and intently think of all the things for which we are grateful.
I combined a few of the above. I do my best reflection in nature. So I went to the beach. I grabbed my favorite Starbucks drink and found an empty bench on the pier. I put my headphones on and listened to a slow, chill playlist. I started to think about my life four years ago - where I was, how I felt, what I was thinking. I allowed myself to journey slowly from that point to the present, noticing all the things I persevered over along the way. I think I sat there for about two hours. At first, I felt sad because I so vividly remember the hurt I felt. But as I reflected, I felt immensely proud of myself.
I was reminded of my strength, ambition, grace, and beauty. I felt ready to tackle this next phase of my life. That’s what I want for you. The next phase of our lives starts with taking stock of the current phase. What have you accomplished? What have you maintained? What have you navigated?
Do a gratitude exercise and then report back!
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