Sharing Children... Or Co-Parenting
Co-parenting occurs when two parents work together to raise a child when they are no longer in a romantic relationship together. It means the parents share physical custody of the child. And sharing physical custody of the child means there are durations of time when the child is with the mother and then with the father.
Read that last sentence again. Co-parenting means there are periods of time when your child is not with you. You’re unwillingly parted from the tiny person you brought into the world! Perhaps this doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. After all, children go to daycare or school. Maybe they spend evenings or afternoons with grandparents. Maybe they have overnight playdates. Well, that wasn’t the case for me. The only time my daughter wasn’t with me was when she was at preschool, or every blue moon when my ex and I went out and she stayed with my parents. Literally, that was it.
Since my daughter was 2 at the time of my ex and I’s separation, we shared her for small periods of time frequently throughout the week. For example, my ex would have her for 3-4 hours for 3 days each week. During this time, I’d be at home alone. Without my sweet baby girl. Many women, especially mothers, would envy this alone time. As though I asked for it and was enjoying it. They assumed I was using the time to date, party, shop, sleep, or any other wonderfully leisure activity. Every now and then, this was true. But for the most part, I just missed her. And missing her only magnified that I was alone. And feeling alone only made me sad.
Moreover, going for periods of time without her meant I missed out on moments of her life. I missed hearing her voice, seeing her face, laughing at her shenanigans, or being impressed with her development. She was increasing her vocabulary, learning her letters and numbers, figuring out potty training, widening her appetite, and just generally taking in the world around her. Then, there were the people, places, concepts, foods, or entertainment that my ex was introducing her to. And because of co-parenting these things were happening without me. I often didn’t get to see, approve, or explain these things. Nor did I get to witness, record, or commend her on it. This was especially important to me because she was so young.
Co-parenting means there’s a whole aspect of my daughter’s life that I simply am not a part of. That’s not what I had in mind when I gave birth to her. It was incredibly difficult at the start of our co-parenting journey. I usually cried and obsessed about what she was doing during that time. I’d try to get my ex to reveal every detail of everything they did. I’d sit at home, refusing to leave, just in case my ex called and she needed me. Now, three years later, I’m still adjusting. I worry too much and make myself too available to her and her father. But I don’t think that’s a co-parenting struggle. I think that’s a mom struggle. So if you’re a co-parent, my heart aches for you. And the only encouragement I have is that it will slowly get better as our children get older.
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Lately, I’ve had to answer a variety of questions from my daughter. They always come when I least expect them. You can tell she’d thought about it before, that it wasn’t something that randomly popped into her mind just then. And perhaps, she was waiting for the right time to ask. And for some reason, that was the right time.
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