Answering Kids' Tough Questions
When I was first separated, my daughter was very young. I had to answer questions like, “where did daddy go?” and “will daddy be back?” Those were painful to answer. Mostly because I wasn’t sure of the answers or didn’t want to accept them. But they were also difficult to answer because she was too young to actually understand. I had to give answers in short and digestible, kid-friendly chunks. The answers never looked too far into the future nor got very specific. But now, she’s older.
Lately, I’ve had to answer a variety of her questions. They always come when I least expect them - while she’s playing with toys, eating her snack, or skipping outside. I’ll be sitting back, enjoying our little life together, when bam! She hits me with a huge question. You can tell she’d thought about before, that it wasn’t something that randomly popped into her mind just then. And perhaps, she was waiting for the right time to ask. And for some reason, that was the right time.
I’ve had to answer questions like “will you buy a house next to daddy’s?”, “can daddy come too?”, and “can you get a car that matches daddy’s?”. But my favorite has to be “can I have a little sister?” I always chuckle when she asks because I should have expected this at some point. As an only child, and a girly girl, it is no surprise that she wants company - little girl company if we’re being specific. She wants someone to dress up, fawn all over, and play with. I have to then take her aside and explain it to her. And it goes a little like this:
Ava: mommy, I want a little sister.
Me: awww yeah, that would be nice. Huh?
Ava: yes. So when will we get one?
Me: well Ava, I’m not sure. We need a daddy for that. It takes a daddy and a mommy to have a little sister.
Ava: we can just use my daddy.
Me: mhmm. That’s a logical next step. But no, honey. Your daddy is for you. If you have a little sister or brother, they’ll have their own daddy.
Ava: I don’t want a brother, just a sister.
Me: well, you don’t get to pick.
Ava: But we get to pick the daddy?
Me: yes. Well, I do. Not you.
Ava: ok.
Me: And Ava, you know, the daddy will live with us?
Ava: no. Why?
Me: because that’s what mommy would prefer.
Ava: but my daddy doesn’t live with us.
Me: I know. But that won’t be the case if you have a brother or sister.
Ava: but then I’ll have to wear pants at home.
Me: yes, you will.
Ava: … hmm.
Then we don’t talk about it for another few months. Until she gets lonely or sees a friend get a new sibling. It’s pretty entertaining. I try to be mindful of her age and emotional maturity so I can speak to her in a way she’ll understand. It’s a tough balance to strike. But I imagine it’ll get easier as she gets older.
Have you had conversations like this with your children?
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Lately, I’ve had to answer a variety of questions from my daughter. They always come when I least expect them. You can tell she’d thought about it before, that it wasn’t something that randomly popped into her mind just then. And perhaps, she was waiting for the right time to ask. And for some reason, that was the right time.
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