Building a Strong Coparenting Foundation [Tips and Stories]

I’m always a little hesitant to talk about co-parenting. Because I’ve been blessed with an amicable coparenting relationship, I sometimes feel I’m not in a position to give advice. But then, a dear friend reminded me that while some of this positive dynamic may be due to God’s grace, much of it is also the result of my hard work. And since I’m often asked what that work involves, I thought it was finally time to share.

I’ve previously discussed the emotional and legal work involved in coparenting. In these next few blog posts, I’ll focus on the logistical and relational work that has been essential. We’ll start by defining what coparenting is and exploring how it works.

Co-parenting means sharing the duties of raising a child. This doesn’t—and shouldn’t—mean one parent handling all or most responsibilities. Instead, it involves both parents fulfilling their roles in separate households. Each parent should leverage their unique strengths, perspectives, and resources to create a well-rounded experience for their child. For example, in my co-parenting arrangement, my co-parent takes on the task of buying our daughter’s school shoes. He has a better sense of what’s trendy, where to find the best options, and how much to spend. I learned early on that when I bought the shoes, they were often “not cool,” and I’d usually overpaid! So, for the past several years, he has handled her shoes, ensuring she gets the best.

The Core Roles in Coparenting

In co-parenting, each parent typically takes on a different role. There’s the primary caregiver (or resident parent) and the non-primary caregiver (non-resident parent). The primary caregiver is the parent with whom the child lives most of the time, while the non-primary caregiver has the child during visitation periods. Both roles are needed, as they each contribute to the child’s sense of stability and continuity.

Several responsibilities are shared between parents, regardless of their primary or non-primary status. Much like in a two-parent household, each co-parent brings different perspectives, styles, and approaches. Reaching compromises is the only way to survive. Responsibilities include providing emotional support, fostering educational development, ensuring health and safety, and managing financial contributions. The big thing is that these responsibilities are shared; both parents have an active role in the child’s upbringing, and each can offer a well-rounded influence.

Key Responsibilities of Each Parent

While many responsibilities are shared to make sure the child’s well-being is prioritized, co-parents also have specific responsibilities to one another. These include consistent communication, reliability, financial support, and emotional support.

Communication is perhaps the most critical, as it is behind the effectiveness of all of the other responsibilities. Without it, misunderstandings can occur, leading to potential conflicts. Clear communication defuses issues before they escalate. For me, communication was the first thing I focused on. My strategy was to treat my coparent like a coworker, providing ample notice, necessary information, and the same curt politeness that I would extend to a work associate. I removed emotion, confrontation, and expectation from our exchanges, and doing so saved me time, hurt feelings, and miscommunications.

Consistency in fulfilling coparenting duties is also vital. This includes regularly communicating, adhering to the custody schedule, providing agreed-upon financial support, and actively engaging with the child. Consistency offers stability, allowing both parents and the child to feel secure and balanced.

Financial Responsibility requires openness and honesty. When both coparents contribute as agreed, it ensures that the child’s needs are met and prevents one parent from shouldering an unequal load. This approach also allows each parent to maintain financial health and plan for the future.

Emotional Presence is equally important. Both parents need to show up mentally and emotionally for their child, providing a sense of reliability and security. Consistently being there and emotionally engaged helps children feel valued and supported, even across two households.

The Emotional Work of Coparenting

Parenting in any form is hard work—physically, mentally, and emotionally. But co-parenting in separate households often requires even more. When my child is with me, everything falls on me: school events, drop-offs, sports, and emotional support. Because of this, taking care of myself—especially during the times my child is with her other parent—became vital.

Prioritizing self-care is the key to staying balanced. When I was first separated, adjusting to time alone was challenging. So I filled it with outings—lunches, movies, hiking, dates. It was fun, but eventually, it was exhausting. I had to learn to use that time to truly rest and recharge.

Emotionally, I also learned to avoid unnecessary conflicts. Setting boundaries—like communicating mostly through email and only discussing topics related to our child—helped minimize drama. This was especially helpful in the beginning when emotions were high, allowing us to focus on what mattered most: our child.

Tips and Tricks for Successful Co-parenting

Here are some practical tips for effective co-parenting that have helped me along the way:

1. Establish Clear Boundaries: Avoid discussing past relationship issues, and keep the focus on your child’s needs.

2. Treat Communication Like a Business Exchange: Use a calm, professional tone, and provide/request all necessary information upfront to reduce misunderstandings.

3. Play to Each Other’s Strengths: Leverage each parent’s natural abilities and resources to give your child a well-rounded experience.

4. Create Consistency: Regular communication and predictable routines help provide stability for your child.

5. Practice Self-Care: Use the time when your child is with their other parent to recharge and prepare to give your best when they return.

Conclusion and Encouragement

Co-parenting is a journey that requires patience, self-awareness, open communication, and a steadfast focus on the child’s best interests. It may not always be easy. But your effort to create a positive environment for your child is worth all the initial stress. Remember that this journey reflects the strength and resilience within you, and that you’re laying a foundation of love and stability that will benefit your child forever.

For more relatable insights, tips, and a little humor about co-parenting, follow me on Instagram! I share the ups, downs, and everything in between. You’re not alone—let’s laugh and learn together!