Navigating Valentine's Day Post-Divorce
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Valentine’s Day is just a few days away. And it is a rough holiday. I’ve written about the myriad of emotions and experiences that come with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year. But Valentine’s Day is hard in a different way. The Winter holidays are hard only because they’re meant to be celebrated with people in your life. But these '“people” can be friends, colleagues, immediate family, and/or extended family. Yet, with Valentine’s Day, the whole point is to celebrate the lover in your life. Literally, that’s it. That’s the sole purpose of the day.
So for weeks leading up to this loving day, we are all bombarded with heart-shaped stationery and home decor, heart-printed clothes and lingerie, and chocolate and candy of all varieties. It starts right after retailers clear out their New Year paraphernalia and continues for about a week or two until retailers start stocking their Easter gear. It’s unlike the Fourth of July where the accompaniments are short-lived and easy to ignore. Oh no. It’s hard to miss all the pink and red. And it doesn’t end there! There may even be special books and movies promoted and released with especially romantic themes during this time.
Whew, it’s a lot. It makes it easy to understand why some say it’s a holiday created by retailers or card companies. I don’t subscribe to that idea. I’m not that cynical. I think the opposite - that we, as humans, are so innately primed to fall in love that we take advantage of any reason to indulge, show off, celebrate, spark, or encourage the love in our lives. Generally, I’ve always thought it was a pretty cute little day - whether single or in a relationship.
But I must admit that did change after my separation and divorce. It’s one thing to be single on Valentine’s Day because you simply haven’t met someone yet. In that case, it’s sort of “no harm no foul.” You buy some chocolates, maybe go out with other single girlfriends, and have a great day. But it’s a completely other thing to be single on Valentine’s Day because the one you thought you’d spend every Valentine’s Day with until you were six feet under has changed his mind. The season becomes a big, painful reminder that you have no lover to indulge, show off, celebrate, spark, or encourage. And it’s not the sort of holiday where substituting family or friends will do the trick. No, we’re kind of just forced to face the absence of romantic love in our lives.
I hate to break it to you, but how to handle this mostly depends on your personality. I know of divorced friends who laugh at the day and move right along, perhaps because it didn’t mean much to them even while married. Then I know of divorced friends who can’t help but feel resentful and sad. I tend to feel anxious leading up to the day, wondering if or how I’ll celebrate and maybe even what my ex is doing. But on actual Valentine’s Day, I force myself to not dwell on the love I don’t have and focus on the love I do have - with myself, my daughter, my siblings, my parents, and my friends. If you’re struggling with this, I’d suggest spoiling yourself a little extra on Valentine’s Day. You deserve it.
