Learning to Accept the "D" Word

I talk a lot about acceptance - accepting what was, what is no longer, and what will never be. Also accepting how I feel, what that emotion means, and what I have to do. But there was one thing that was incredibly difficult for me to accept, and that was using the “d” word. 

I accepted, relatively early in my separation, that my marriage was over. I knew that my ex did not want to be with me anymore. I processed how that made me feel. I contemplated how that would change my and our daughter’s lives. I resolved to move along.

I even accepted that my separation would eventually lead to divorce. I knew from our therapy session that we wouldn’t get back together. I couldn’t deny when I received divorce papers that the end of our relationship would result in divorce. I talked about it with my family, friends, and therapist. 

Yet, there was something so incredibly deafening about uttering the word “divorce”. I avoided it at all costs. I would usually just refer to my “relationship ending” or my “ex leaving”. Since the people in my life knew what I meant, I was able to get away with these descriptors for quite a while. 

But once formal things in my life started requiring an update, I had to start using a formal descriptor. I’d go to update my marital status with my church, or my taxes, or my utilities. Or I’d need to fill out insurance or educational forms for our daughter. And the options were always inevitably “single, married, or divorced”. 

Checking it on paper was difficult of course, but saying the word aloud was always the hardest. This most frequently occurred when people suspected or thought they recalled that I was married, and would ask to confirm. This most recently occurs when people realize they haven’t seen him in a while, and assume it’s because he’s working or traveling, and not that he’s simply not around anymore. Regardless, I’d pause before saying it every time, my eyes darting about, almost as if I wasn’t sure what he was (haha, just kidding!) or what I was about to say. Perhaps even though I had accepted what I was experiencing, I still wasn’t happy about or proud of it. It's one thing to be okay that something is happening, it’s a completely other thing to walk around chatting about it. 

Unfortunately, it's one of those things where the more I said it the easier it became to say. Weeks went by, and then months, and I found my eyes didn’t dart back and forth when I said it. A year went by, and I didn’t need to pause before saying it. Now, almost two years after my divorce was finalized, I can say it with content acceptance. I find I’m still a little nervous about people’s reactions or natural curiosity about what happened. But there’s nothing I can do about that. I am divorced. It doesn’t define who I am but is certainly a huge part of my life story.

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