Marriage is "Serious"

I had a lot of interesting conversations during the course of my separation and divorce. In the midst of these conversations, I decided to adopt the approach that people mean well; I rarely found they were being malicious. But this does not mean they do not say some deeply offensive or presumptuous things. 

One thing I heard frequently enough to warrant this post was that marriage was “serious”. I’d hear this in the context of two very different conversations. The first context was someone would be talking about their relationship goals or objectives. They’d tell me they were dating someone for a long while and hesitant to get married yet because marriage is “serious”. Or they’d tell me they didn’t want to date because marriage is “serious” and that scared them. In this context, the speaker never intended to offend me. In fact, they were usually so focused on their own fears or reservations of marriage, that they didn’t even realize that it was an awkward conversation for me. 

The second context was someone responding to my tales of divorce with a question - usually something to the effect of “are you sure you want to go through with this? Marriage is serious.” In this context, I have to believe the speaker didn’t intend to offend me. I have to believe they wanted the best for me and thought they were being gently encouraging. They had mine, my ex’s, and my daughter’s best interest at heart. 

In both contexts, I’d feel awkward or uncomfortable. I automatically assumed that the speaker was implying I didn’t know marriage was serious; that I was getting divorced because I didn’t go into marriage with much thought or consideration, and was, therefore, leaving it with the same sort of carelessness. I assumed that this implication carried some judgment and condescension. 

I would try to chuckle it away or change the subject. But I’d think about it for hours afterward. And only now do I realize that it was my insecurity making it awkward or uncomfortable. Sure one or two of them meant it condescendingly or judgmentally. But for the most part, the others didn’t. It was my own doubts about my marriage that made me jump to those conclusions. 

You see, when I got divorced, I had to seriously stop and consider why my marriage ended. Was it doomed from the start? Had I not really sat and thought about it before entering into it? Did I not care enough to really examine any yellow or red flags prior to entering into it? Did I just want to get married? Was I just in love with my engagement ring? Could I have worked harder to avoid divorce? 

At this point, years later, I’m still not sure I have definitive answers to these questions. But I am resolved enough to comfortably know that having those doubts is not mutually exclusive to taking marriage seriously. In fact, one could argue that having these doubts means I took marriage so seriously that I’m still contemplating the answers to these questions - both for my marriage and for any future relationship I may enter into. I am also insightful enough to know that I may never have definitive answers to these questions because people and relationships are fluid, ever-changing, and evolving. 

So I do take marriage seriously. I took it seriously when I got married. I took it seriously when I got divorced. And I’ll take it seriously when I enter into it again.

If you’re going through a separation or divorce, I hope you can, first, examine yourself the same way I did. This introspection and enlightenment will prime your mindset for positivity when having these types of conversations. Then, I hope that you’re able to adopt the optimistic stance that “people mean well.” But if you’re not there yet, which is perfectly okay, I encourage you to protect your energy and mental state by shutting down these types of conversations in the nicest way possible. 

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