Married Folks' Convo
As a married person, I have a lot of married friends. It makes it easier to spend time together - double dates, family playdates, etc. when everyone is married. Everyone is coming from the same vantage point - they have built-in dates, they’re committed to another person, they have less time available, etc. There are no awkward third-wheeling or troublesome “Hangover” trips!
When I became an unmarried person, I didn’t dump all my married friends. I maintained all those friendships because I had bonded with the wife or our children had become friends. In being friends with married couples, a frequent topic of conversation is marriage. They discuss marriage in general, but also their specific marriages. They detail what works and doesn’t work for each other, what rules or boundaries they’ve established, what likes and dislikes they’ve discovered, and plans or goals they’re attempting. These aren’t done in lecture-y or know-it-all-y ways. They’re usually done casually or even jokingly, amid a bigger conversation.
As a married woman, this was a welcome opportunity to learn from and bond with other couples. But as a single woman, I often felt awkward. In the beginning, when my separation was fresh, I felt downright uncomfortable. There was no way I could join in the conversation. I mean just imagine, “Oh yeah, I get it. I thought he liked nights home watching Netflix, but it turns out that’s what made him leave me!” Talk about a mood killer! There was nothing I could teach them; there was nothing I could learn from them (so I thought at the time); I was not open to bonding with any more married folk. So I would just sit silently, and smile or chuckle here and there. If the opportunity presented itself to exit the conversation, I took it hastily!
As my divorce finalized, and I settled into being a single woman, I now enjoy hearing married people talk about their marriages. Marriage is fundamentally a universal concept. But it looks so different for every couple, and functions in special little ways for each of them. So for couples whose marriages seem strong, focused, and intentional, I soak up all the little tips and tidbits they’re willing to give. Now, I don’t go prying for them. I’m not dying to hear married people talk about themselves. But if it comes up, I will welcome the opportunity to learn more about them and marriage in general.
At the end of the day, I do hope to get married again. And my first marriage didn’t work out - not necessarily because either party failed or was a deplorable person; but because we may not have had the tools or intent to keep it fortified. So when a couple means well and is doing well, I store up all their tips to apply early on with potential suitors to ensure they’re compatible with me for marriage. It makes for great practice!
