God, The Father

I know, I know. We’ve all heard that. People say it to you confidently, with a gentle hand on the shoulder, and easy confidence as if that simple phrase immediately solves all your problems. Ultimately though, it does. The keyword here is “ultimately”. And when my ex-husband left, I could not fathom anything beyond the present moment. It was too daunting to think about everything involved in single parenting or divorce.

Bear with me here. Giving it to God generally means knowing what you need or want, making sure that lines up with God’s Word and His plan for your life, asking for it once (and only once), and letting God deliver it as He promises in His word. I grew up as a Christian in a church built on and propelled to success by faith. So I thought I knew exactly what it meant to give it to God, and was willing to do so.

However, I assumed the first step in giving it to God required knowing what I needed or wanted. I had NO idea what that was. Did I want my husband back or a new husband? What kind of job did I want? Where did I want to live? I had no idea. And I did not have the energy or desire to figure it out. So I didn’t think I could give it to God just yet.

The day after he left was Sunday. Honestly, I didn’t even think twice about going to church. I knew if there was anywhere I was going to be, it was going to be church. I didn’t get as dressed up as usual. And I didn’t speak to many people. In fact, I cried the entire service. That’s not an exaggeration. I literally cried from the moment my dad kissed me as I sat next to him, to the hugs I received from friends and acquaintances (who didn’t even know the trauma I was experiencing), to the collection of the offering (when I remembered I had nothing to give), and through the music ministry.

It was during the music ministry that I realized I didn’t have to know what I wanted or needed, to give “it” to God. The choir sang Chris Tomlin’s Good Good Father. The song has a verse that says “I've seen many searching for answers far and wide/ But I know we're all searching/ for answers only you provide/ 'cause you know just what we need/ before we say a word.” (This is also a scripture - Matthew 6:8.) At that moment, I closed my eyes and let the words wash over me. I realized giving “it” to God wasn’t only giving Him my desires and needs, it was giving Him my trauma, uncertainty, sorrow, and worry. Then, it was allowing Him to comfort, heal, and guide me. Because while I didn’t know what I needed or wanted, and when I needed or wanted it, He knew exactly what I needed before I even asked.

Later that day, I prayed. My prayer was very short because I still didn’t know what to ask for nor how to put my trauma into words. So I simply said, through tears and stutters, “God, I’m so hurt. My heart is broken. Please help me.” That was it. I knew my life wouldn’t immediately be perfect nor my heart be immediately healed because I’m a spirit having a human experience. And the humanity part needs time. But I had complete faith that it would happen eventually, and that God would be there with me in each step of the way.

If you’re a churchgoer, do not skip church. Go, and sit in the back or wear sunglasses (which I did), if need be. But definitely go. If nothing else, it:

• Occupies your time (and therefore your mind) for a few hours;

• Gives you an opportunity to be loved up on;

• Gets you out of the house;

• Feeds your spirit, even if you’re not trying to feed it; and

• Makes it easier to give your sorrow and fear to God.

If you’re not a churchgoer, maybe give it a try. It could only help! If you’re in LA, this is my church. Even if you’re not in LA, they stream online every Sunday and Tuesday :). And if you’re not ready for that, start with my Gospel Playlist.