Why True Healing Requires [Emotional and Physical] Separation from Your Ex

Friend, I’m going to maintain a safe space, hold your hand, and look you square in the eyes when I say this—let that man go. Every single bit of him. In every single way. It’s absolutely imperative for your healing, contentment, and growth.

I know, I know. You want to keep the door cracked just in case.

• Just in case he realizes the error of his ways and comes back.

• Just in case he suddenly decides he wants to get married, have kids, or move in with you.

• Just in case he gets his life together.

• Just in case that other woman he’s dating turns out to be terrible.

• Just. In. Case.

But keeping a door cracked is still keeping a door open. You tell yourself you’re detached—you won’t text or call, you’ll unfollow him but let him follow you, you’ll avoid him but still go to the same gym or coffee shop.

Ma’am. Lies, all lies.

You know it. I know it. When you’ve developed an attachment to someone, it takes decisive and consistent action to sever that connection and truly heal. Otherwise, you’ll stay stuck in a cycle of hope, disappointment, and self-betrayal. And that cycle? It will do a number on your self-esteem, emotional well-being, and ability to attract the love you truly deserve.

I can’t cover everything here (that’s what my upcoming book is for!). But in this post, we’ll scratch the surface. We’ll talk about the illusion of closure, emotional and physical separation, and how to actually let go. Grab your tea (or gin, if you need something stronger), and let’s dive into the uncomfortable.

The Illusion of Closure

Closure is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves. We convince ourselves that if we just have one last conversation, if we can just get a few more answers, if we can just say that last thing we need to say, then we’ll finally be able to move on. We tell ourselves that if we can end things on a mutual note, with understanding and resolution, we’ll walk away feeling at peace.

I get it. I’m the same way. As a bear chronotype, I crave natural endings—seasons that transition smoothly, relationships that wrap up with clear lessons, mutual appreciation, and a sense of finality. But that’s not how it works.

Most relationships don’t end with a neatly tied bow. They end with questions, loose ends, and unresolved emotions. And even if you got every single answer you’re seeking, it wouldn’t change the outcome. Because the truth is, the peace, clarity, and closure you’re looking for? They don’t come from him. They come from you.

Closure isn’t a conversation. It’s not a response to your last text. It’s a decision. You create closure for yourself by sitting with your feelings, acknowledging what role you played, and deciding what you need to carry forward—and what you need to leave behind.

And you can’t do that while keeping the door open.

Emotional Separation – Reclaiming Your Space

Letting go emotionally is one of the hardest parts of moving on. You may think you’ve separated, disentangled, and withdrawn your energy. You may even be telling the group chat you’re over him. But if your heart still jumps when his name pops up on your phone, if you still check his Instagram stories, if you still find yourself hoping he’ll text you, you haven’t let go.

Keeping any connection—texting, checking in, reminiscing, or even arguing—is keeping an emotional attachment. And that attachment keeps you unavailable for the love and peace you’re meant to have.

I know why you do it. It’s comfortable. Even though it’s also deeply uncomfortable, it still feels safer than silence. I once dated a man whose emotional connection to me was so deep that our lives seemed completely intertwined. We talked all day, every day. I knew his routines, his schedule, his hopes, and his fears. He knew mine. So when I found out he was engaged to another woman and expecting a child, I knew I had to cut him off.

But knowing something and doing it are two different things. After I ended things, I found myself obsessively checking my phone. Maybe it was on silent. Maybe it had died. Maybe I didn’t have service. Surely that’s why I hadn’t heard from him. But I wasn’t actually waiting for a text. I was waiting for a feeling—the feeling of being needed, connected, validated.

The only way to detach emotionally is to cut the ties completely. And here’s how you do that:

• Block his number. Then delete it.

• Block him on social media. Yes, all of them.

• Delete your text threads.

• Take a different route home and/or to work.

• Switch up your coffee shop, gym, or usual hangouts.

• If he’s your baby daddy, establish strict communication boundaries. (More on that here.)

It’s not about being petty. It’s about protecting your peace.

Physical Separation – Creating Distance That Heals

Now, let’s talk about the physical connection. You have got to stop having sex with that man.

I know you tell yourself you can do it just this once. Maybe if you don’t cuddle afterward. Maybe if you avoid kissing. Maybe if you pretend it doesn’t mean anything.

But it always means something.

Even if it’s just a quick dopamine hit, every encounter rewires your brain back into attachment. It keeps you bound in a cycle of temporary highs and inevitable lows.

I’ve been there. The very first man I dated after my separation was that for me. The physical attraction was undeniable, and every time we saw each other, it felt amazing. But afterward, I felt empty. The temporary high wasn’t worth the emotional damage. That cycle lasted years. And that’s why I’m telling you—don’t let that be you.

You deserve better. You deserve a love that isn’t built on convenience or temporary relief. That starts with:

• Setting clear physical boundaries.

• Avoiding settings where you know temptation will win.

• Leaning into self-discipline—reminding yourself why you left.

• Finding other ways to self-soothe (journaling, movement, prayer, therapy).

Your body is not a backup plan.

How to Actually Let Go

Letting go is a process, and it won’t happen overnight. But these steps will help:

• Give yourself closure. Journal through the relationship—what went wrong, what went right, what you’re taking with you, and what you’re leaving behind.

• Commit to no contact. Not one more text. Not one more “just checking in.”

• Let go of "what if." The relationship is over. The fantasy of a different outcome isn’t real.

• Remove triggers. Delete photos, old messages, and anything that brings him to mind.

• Redirect your energy. Pour into your passions, friendships, and self-care.

• Forgive yourself if you slip up. Just recommit and keep moving forward.

Final Thoughts & Next Steps

I know this is hard. I know it hurts. But staying stuck will hurt even more. You cannot step into the love you deserve while keeping the door cracked for the love that already failed you. You have to cut ties and close doors—fully and finally.

If this post resonated, share it with a friend who needs to hear it.

My upcoming book goes even deeper into detachment, healing, and preparing for real love. Follow me on Instagram for updates.

Let’s talk—what’s been your biggest struggle in letting go?