Becoming the Woman You Want to Be [Before You Start Dating Again]

After the heartbreak, the drop in self-esteem, and the devastation of a breakup, we crave connection. We want the warm body, the affirming texts, or the company on a random Tuesday night. We may not even realize that’s what we’re looking for because we so badly just want to feel better. So we follow the cues we’ve been taught—rebound, distract, “get under a new man to forget the old one.”

But that doesn’t actually work. Not for long, anyway. Because what we’re really chasing is affirmation, validation, companionship, and acceptance. Those are things that, if we want to do love differently next time, we have to learn to give to ourselves first.

Here’s the truth, friend: you cannot build something long-lasting with someone until you’ve rebuilt something sacred with yourself. The next version of love requires the next (and best) version of you. And that woman doesn’t emerge out of the blue or overnight. She rises through self-work, self-respect, and self-connection.

In this post, I’m sharing what it looks like to become the woman you want to be—emotionally, professionally, spiritually, financially, physically—so that your next relationship is a reflection of your growth, not your grief. So let’s get into it. 

Why Rushing Into Dating Can Be a Trap

Early dating after a breakup is often reactive, not intentional. It’s a detour around pain, not a journey through it. It keeps you from asking the hard questions: What role did I play in what went wrong? What do I want from a partner and myself? What am I willing to no longer tolerate?

When I got divorced, I thought I was emotionally good after a few weeks of journaling. Good enough, anyway, to date while “healing.” I told myself I didn’t want anything serious—just a date here and there, someone to flirt with, a few sweet text messages. But all that did was attract emotionally unavailable men. Married men, even! Men who saw me the way I was seeing myself at the time—wounded, unavailable, and willing to settle for less than I deserved. I didn’t realize it until I inevitably developed feelings for them. And suddenly, I saw the pattern.

You’ll know you’re ready to date when you feel at peace. When you know what you want, and you’re no longer interested in begging someone to give it to you. When you can look at a situation and say, this isn’t for me—without drama, self-doubt, or delay. That clarity comes from doing the work.

Healing: Addressing Past Wounds Before Moving Forward

If you're not emotionally ready, dating is just another way to retraumatize yourself. The work of healing can’t be side-stepped. It’s the therapy, the journaling, the solo weekends, the hard conversations with yourself. It's recognizing your patterns and choosing to do something different this time.

And it’s also letting go—for real. Not keeping the number. Not lingering in the text thread. Not “checking in” just to see how he’s doing. Closure doesn’t come from them—it comes from you. You don’t need one last talk. You need to choose your peace. Letting go is physical, emotional, and spiritual. It's saying no to the sex that keeps you entangled. It's cutting the energetic cords. It’s protecting your mind and body from being reopened every time you start to heal.

If you need help with that, I have a full post on closure here, and another on healing here.

Becoming the Woman You Envision

This is the fun part—because it’s about you. Not who you were in that relationship. Not who he wanted you to be. Who you want to be now. You get to build her from scratch. Piece by piece.

To do that, ask yourself:

• Is my career fulfilling me—or draining me?

• Am I financially empowered? Am I budgeting, saving, and building?

• How do I feel in my body? Do I want to feel stronger, healthier, more alive?

• Is my spiritual life grounding me or missing entirely?

• What restores me? What excites me? What needs my attention?

And if that feels like too much to tackle all at once, start small. To get started, I looked at women I admired—on screen, online, and even in real life. I asked myself, what about them left me in awe? Was it how they carried themselves? How they spoke? How they lived?

I made a list of things I wanted to attain or characteristics I wanted to nurture. Then, I made goals. Then, I made milestones. I built a vision board. And slowly, I started to become her. Not for anyone else. And not to impress a man. But because I wanted to see what would happen if I kept the promises I made to myself.

And that’s the key. Every time you follow through on a promise you make to yourself—whether it’s going for that run, sticking to your budget, or finally signing up for therapy, you grow. You become trustworthy to yourself. You start to love yourself differently. And that builds confidence, wholeness, and feminine power. And you don’t need anyone to validate it.

Preparing for Love From a Place of Wholeness

Here’s how you’ll know you’re ready to date again: you’ll start to imagine your life with someone—not as a fantasy, but as a reality check.

An older coworker once said, “Start living like your partner is already here.” And it changed how I saw everything. Would I want to go for a run with them? Would I be willing to shift my weekend to make space for us? Would I enjoy having someone next to me while I lounge in bed? Living with that awareness showed me what I wanted from a partner—and what I wasn’t yet ready to share. It helped me realize that I wasn’t lonely. I was selective. Similarly, I wasn’t desperate; I was becoming.

You don’t do this work to get someone. You do it so that if and when someone comes along, they find you already whole, at peace, and in love—with yourself and your life.

A Final Note

Becoming the woman you want to be is not a means to an end. It is the end. The relationship, when it comes, is just a bonus. You don’t need to rush, chase, or settle. You’re not becoming her for him. You’re becoming her for you. And when you finally meet someone who sees and honors the woman you’ve worked so hard to become, you’ll recognize him not by how loud he loves you, but by how peacefully he fits into your life.

Keep going, my friend. You’re doing beautifully.

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