Cleaning Social Media
One of the hardest things I experienced during my separation and divorce was having to tell uninformed, but well-meaning acquaintances that my marriage was no more. This conversation became even more painful once I accepted that my marriage was over and attempted to move on. I didn’t want to entertain the questions, hope, or judgment that came with making this sort of announcement. I wished there was a way to shout it from the rooftops where everyone could hear it at once and leave me be. Well, there kind of was - social media.
We, particularly Millenials and Gen-Zers, use social media to distribute and receive all kinds of news - from that of our personal lives, to that of celebrities, to things we’re simply speculating or imagining. But it’s all meant to let someone know something and to be the one doing the knowing. Over the years I had informed the public when my ex became my boyfriend, when he became my fiance, when he became my husband, and then when he became the father of our child. Even though I didn’t provide much information or detail, it was evident from the photos. So how could I then inform everyone of this huge change without being crass and explicitly posting it in a photo, caption, or story? Well, the most discrete way was to simply remove all of that prior “news” from my profiles.
I started with Instagram because it is the platform I use most. I scrolled all the way to the beginning of my feed. I deleted every photo that featured just him, he and I, or he, myself, and my daughter. I also deleted every post that had cute anecdotes or stories about our relationship. I kept photos of him and my daughter when they were about Father’s Day or her birthday. Then, I did the same thing for Facebook and Twitter. It was quick and easy to do on Instagram. It was a pain in the butt to do on Facebook. And it was very easy to do on Twitter simply because I don’t post photos there.
I didn’t do it all in one sitting. I spread it out over several days. Because while I was making great progress, each photo made me reminisce. I’d reflect on what gave rise to the photo or comments he left there. Sometimes, I’d even feel a little guilty about deleting the photo. I’d wonder: was I being spiteful? Was I just erasing him from my life as though he was never there? Was this unfair to my daughter? But I reasoned that his role in my life as a life partner had officially ended, and so had his time and space on my profiles. Moreover, he would always retain his role in my life as my daughter’s father. So those photos remained.
Of course, people still asked and I had to break it to them. But for a lot of people who suspected or heard through the grapevine, looking at my profiles and seeing his absence was all the confirmation they needed. There was less need for in-depth conversation and reassurance. This is because, in these social media times, no one would go through the hassle or provocation of removing the photos from our profiles unless it was serious and intentional.
Furthermore, removing the photos was a sort of visual embodiment of the clean slate I was taking. Our social media profiles tend to be glimpses of our lives - the bigger picture at least. Removing him from my profile, and seeing all the things I had done and all the places I’d been without him in it, was a hopeful glimmer of what life could look like without him. Because social media is superficial and shallow, it looked hopeful and feminine and content. And I was okay with that because it made me optimistic that my actual life would parallel it.
If you’re also experiencing a breakup, I’m not recommending one way or the other. I don’t know if deleting photos is right for everyone. But if it is something you’re contemplating, I will say that there are few more peaceful feelings than a clean slate.
