Dating Double Standards

Ahhhh dating. It will take a whole separate blog to dive into all that comes with dating during separation, after divorce, and as a co-parent. But for now, I want to talk about people’s reactions to a divorced couple dating again. You’ll find that I talk a lot about people’s reactions to various points in a divorce because not only are these reactions plentiful but in the vulnerable time of divorce these reactions are incredibly poignant. So it’s important to me to mention them and say how I handled them. They’re also pretty entertaining at times. 

Now, my beloved ex-husband started dating immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Let me tell you, it was so immediate it had people wondering if he’d started dating her while we were together or if she was the reason he left. Notice I said “people” and not me. I never wondered about those things. First, a woman’s intuition is an incredibly valuable and valid determinant and I never once felt in my spirit or soul that my ex was cheating on me. Then, I have a very healthy dose of self-awareness and self-confidence (which we can thank my parents for). So I knew that my ex wasn’t leaving me for someone else. I meeeean c’mon. Look at me! Lol jk jk. I can make that joke because it’s obviously in jest since you know, he did leave. 

I knew my ex very well. So I knew that he found himself a companion very early on in our separation because he (and men in general) didn’t like to be alone. Additionally, I’ve heard this before - that men tend to rebound immediately and then settle into their feelings. Whereas women tend to settle into their feelings first and then start dating again. This is a generalization of course, but one that I’ve found to be true for my ex and me. 

So when my ex revealed he had a girlfriend less than a month after leaving, he felt she should be a part of his and my daughter’s life. He wanted her and her daughter to hang out with my daughter, to spend holidays with them, and to attend her birthday party. Outraged at this and still processing very raw feelings about my divorce, I would vent to people in my life about this. Interestingly, no one was surprised and few were as outraged. They expected it. They expected a man to simply go find another woman. And even more interestingly, they expected there to be a woman who was perfectly okay dating a man who’d just left his marriage. They didn’t condone or praise it. But there was sort of a universal shrug to it all. And I was told to exercise grace, patience, and understanding about it. 

Yet, when I started dipping my toe into the dating pond, I got a lot of feedback. And I didn’t even commit to dating! I was only comfortable being in the “talking” stage. But the mere fact that I was interested in dating seemed to rub people the wrong way. I was often asked “Isn’t it too soon” or “Are you ready” or “So you and your ex aren’t getting back together”. Isn’t it too soon for my ex to be dating? Isn’t he not ready? How am I getting back together with a man who already has a whole girlfriend? It didn’t make any sense to me. 

Then, as if that wasn’t insulting enough, I was also “reminded” (I put that in quotes because I’m not quite sure what these friends and acquaintances thought they were doing when they did it) that men don’t want to date divorcees or single moms. I was being urged to stay with my ex or remain single simply because no one else would want me. The whole idea suggested I was damaged goods. 

To be fair, this wasn’t everyone’s response. A lot of women encouraged me to date because I was young and viable. But enough people gave me this response that it has vividly remained with me. It was so shocking to me that we are in the 21st century yet societal expectations wanted me to remain single while he was to frolic about. It was so hurtful to me because even though I didn’t choose this path (he did because he left), I was destined to endure the consequences while he was privileged to move forward. 

I hope that if you’re going through this situation, you recognize that it is okay for you to date - whether it be a fully committed relationship or “talking”; whether it be a rebound or something long-term. It is perfectly okay. I pray you won’t allow anyone to discourage or shame you. I simply encourage you to search yourself and make the decision to date based on what your heart is ready and willing for, as opposed to rebellion against society, the public, or your ex. Once you’re ready, I wholeheartedly endorse you going out there and embracing all the awesomeness that dating has to offer.