The First Steps to Take Immediately After Separation [Practical Guide]

Hi there. If you’re reading this, it means you’re going through a marital separation. And whether or not it was your decision, I’m sending you lots of love, prayers, and light. I’m also giving you some tips for managing this difficult time because I’m all about moving through separation and divorce with grace.

The day my ex-husband ended our marriage felt like the beginning of a Hallmark movie—except there was no cushy farm to flee to lick my wounds. I was fresh out of law school, on the mend from invasive surgery, and only had $7 to my name. Life had other plans, and within an hour of my husband walking out, I got a call that set this new phase of my life in motion.

When life starts lifin’, it can feel like you’re literally standing in the eye of a storm. A storm where you may not know where it came from, where it’s going, or when it’ll end. From my own journey through the storm of separation and divorce, I've gathered some practical steps to help navigate those first overwhelming days (and the many that follow). These steps are all about prioritizing you, taking a moment, and stabilizing that moment.

What to Do Next After Separation

Navigating post-separation life requires intention, sometimes before you feel clear or ready. Here are the first steps to take:

1. Secure a Source of Income:
   Like many, I found myself financially unprepared. I was in the middle of a career transition, not expecting my marriage to dissolve. The sudden need to fend for myself and my daughter led me to accept a seasonal retail position. It wasn't my dream job but it was necessary, giving me enough to take care of car payments, gas, and food. It's essential to secure financial stability, whether that’s dusting off your resume, tapping into your network, taking a job that keeps the lights on, or requesting a promotion or raise.

2. Establish Legal and Financial Independence:
   The reality of separation means momentarily (with the possibility of permanently) disentangling your life from another's. For me, this meant solely using my personal checking and savings account, as well as starting to separate our financial lives. It also meant researching lawyers, gathering my important documents, and preparing myself for the process of defining what belonged to whom. It's tedious and emotional but vital for preventing more heartache and complications down the road.

3. Set Up a Temporary Custody Arrangement:
   Your children need stability more than ever. We set up a temporary custody schedule to ensure fairness and that my daughter’s life remained as uninterrupted as possible. This might involve difficult conversations and legal advice, but it’s about keeping the children's best interests at heart.

4. Refrain from Making Permanent Decisions:
   It’s tempting to make sweeping decisions when your emotions are high. I had to remind myself daily to take things as they came and not to make any significant life changes until the dust settled. Allow yourself the time and grace to heal before making decisions that will permanently and significantly affect your future.

5. Focus on Self-Care:
   Amidst childcare adjustments and legal considerations, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Whether it’s finding solace in books, nature, or friends, maintaining your physical and mental health is important. I often broke down in tears, overwhelmed by my new reality, but allowing myself those moments to grieve was part of the healing process.

6. Purge the Home:
   Clearing out my ex’s belongings was both a physical and symbolic act of moving on. It wasn't easy and I didn’t do it all at once, but it was necessary to reclaim my space and start anew. Whether it’s packing up old photographs or redecorating the living room, make the space yours again.

7. Seek Emotional Support:
   Reaching out to friends, family, or support groups can provide the emotional backing you need. On weekends without my daughter, I’d go for drinks with friends or movies with my family. During these times, it was the people around me who held me up, reminded me of my worth, and encouraged me to keep going. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, go through this alone.

While separation marks the beginning of the end of one chapter, it also brings you closer to the beginning of another. It’s a journey filled with hurdles and curveballs, but also growth and rediscovery.

Let's Connect and Grow Together

If you're navigating your separation, you're not alone. Join me on (@imlaurenmarie), and let’s share our journeys. For more detailed insights and support, check out my book, where I dive deeper into navigating divorce. Together, we can turn this experience into the catalyst for the life you’ve always envisioned for yourself.