What to Call An Ex: Navigating Titles in Parenting [And Why]

There are two different situations in which I’ve had to refer to my ex and thereby have had to decide how to refer to him. The first occurs when I’m talking about him and he’s not around. The second occurs when I’m talking about him and he is around. Sounds similar right? But they’re not.

The first happens more often than the second. I most often have to refer to him when talking to someone about our daughter when he’s not around. Now, I could just describe him as “my daughter’s father”. It's accurate. It's brief. It works. However, for me, it allows for an assumption that that’s all he was. That we met one late night at some club in Hollywood, hit it off, and several short months later “Uh oh, we’re having a baby”. When that’s not at all true. Instead, we met at work, developed a friendship, dated, got married, and purposed to have our daughter. While that distinction may not seem important or relevant, I am incredibly sensitive to it. For that reason, when my ex is not around, I refer to him as my ex-husband. And once I’ve referenced him enough to someone in conversation, I will just ditch all titles and descriptors, and refer to him by his name. 

It gets trickier when he’s around. Which I never would have imagined. There are times, mostly at our daughter’s school or social events, when I must introduce him to people. Initially, I was introducing him as my “ex-husband”. People were always receptive, never judgmental. They’d nod, smile, maybe give an “oh ok” and move right along. But it would make my ex feel so awkward. I think he’d feel he owed them some sort of explanation. Because then he’d flood them with jokes about himself, me, or our relationship. After several incidents of this, he once responded, in front of people I had just introduced him to, saying he’s the “baby daddy”. This title made him more comfortable than “ex-husband”. However, I hate this descriptor. While it’s the same as “my daughter’s father”, it carries with it a bit of stigma and casualty. Prior, I had never referred to anyone or him as a “baby daddy”. It just wasn't in my nature or vocabulary. But he mentioned on several occasions that that’s what he was. So what was I supposed to do? Continue to call him ex-husband to his dismay? Or call him “baby daddy” to my dismay? 

Well, you know me. I decided on neither. Now, when introducing him to people, I refer to him as “my ex-husband who prefers to be called ‘baby daddy’.” This makes both of us feel heard and comfortable. It also usually gets quite a chuckle from the people I'm speaking to, which is always nice. And it gives insight into his and I’s relationship - that we are complete opposites, but similar in our stubbornness and love a good laugh.