What About Gifts?

As we discuss clean slates and fresh starts, I turn now to the topic of gifts. Now there are three categories of gifts - gifts my ex gave me, gifts I gave him, gifts we received as a couple. 

Gifts My Ex Gave Me

My ex was a huge gift-giver. In his family, gift-giving was the predominant love language. While it was not my love language (mine is quality time and words of affirmation), it was most certainly the one he spoke most fluently. So I received a lot of very thoughtful and expensive gifts. They ranged from clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry, technology, and miscellaneous trinkets. They included things he saw in Target on his way home that reminded him of me, to a beautiful rose gold necklace to show his appreciation for giving birth to our daughter. 

After we separated, I didn’t immediately give them back. As you’ll recall, I packed his belongings for him, and I did not include the items he’d given me. As far as I was concerned, they didn’t belong to him; they were mine. And I fully intended to make use of them. But as our separation progressed, and I settled into my acceptance of our divorce, I started to feel uncomfortable about some of the gifts. 

First, a lot of items had a memory. For example, the very first Christmas gift he gave me was a Coach purse. Having never had a designer bag before, it was incredibly special to me. But how could I possibly walk around wearing it knowing it came from a time when we were happy together? Similar to a Michael Kors watch he had given me for a birthday, or a dress he had bought me for a wedding we attended. I couldn’t seem to separate the memory or intent from the gift. 

Then, some of the items had significant meaning. For example, the necklace he gave me the day our daughter was born. It’s an absolutely beautiful piece of jewelry. Wearing it makes me reflect fondly on the day she was born, as well as feel a bit more shiny and elegant throughout the day. In fact, the necklace is so beautiful, that I often get asked about it. This leads to talking about him and the concept of push presents. This tends to make me feel a little awkward. Some people will seem confused that I’m still wearing it since it came from someone I’m no longer with. Some people will assume that by wearing it I’m harboring some hope for a future with him. When really I wear it because it's pretty and after 23 hours of labor, I earned it! 

Finally, there’s one incredibly unique gift that I pondered about for a few months after we separated - my engagement ring. As you’ll recall, I gave my ring back to my ex during our life-altering therapy session. He said he didn’t want to be with me in as cold and heartless a way as possible, and I sat there reeling. The only thing I could think to do that would send a message as loud and clear as the one he’d just sent me was to give him back my engagement ring. You see, he hated it when I took it off, especially out of anger. So I slid it right off and sat it next to him. He took it and walked out. A couple of months later, as I reflected on all the other gifts I’d received from him, I realized I wanted it back. I asked. He resisted. I wrote it into my marital settlement agreement. And I got it! It sits in my bedroom in a beautiful box, just as shiny as ever. 

So, I kept every gift my ex gave me. Some, I don’t use because the memory is too painful. Some I use because they’re too beautiful not to. None of them did I give back though. It didn’t seem worth it to deprive myself of something I loved and appreciated, and that was given to me out of love and appreciation. 

Gifts I Gave My Ex

Over the course of our time together, I gave my ex gifts for his birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, and Father’s Day. They were rarely very expensive gifts, but always very thoughtful and intentional. Since he was only left with one bag, the majority of those gifts were in our apartment during our separation. So when I packed his things, I came across many of them. I chose to pack them up for him. I had already given them to him, and always out of love. It would serve me no purpose to keep them. If he wanted to dispose of them, he certainly could. But he would have to make that call. 

Gifts We Received As a Couple

Prior to marriage, my ex and I did not live together. So our wedding registry left a lot for well-wishers and wedding attendees to purchase. And they did. Most of our apartment was furnished with wedding presents. Everything from picture frames and candles to cookware and dishware, to towels and rugs. Yet oddly enough, they didn’t retain as much memory and emotion as the gifts he and I gave to each other. Maybe it’s because they were ordinary, day-to-day items that generally do not attach much sentimentality to them. Regardless, I didn’t mind keeping these items. This is probably because as day-to-day items, I needed them! So I kept everything. However, over the years, I’ve slowly replaced some of the things. Again, not because they held sentimental value, but because they needed replacement. 

In sum, I found that most gifts could remain gifted. They didn’t need to be returned or destroyed. They could be enjoyed practically or sentimentally, without it meaning anything. Or they could be kept in a special place and saved for a time when their sentimentality would be appreciated.